Tomorrow is my last day of work. While I have overwhelming mixed feeling about the idea I know I can no longer carry on the way I have been. I am glad I will have the ability to rest like I should but I also feel a sense of defeat. I know that I have done more then most and still being cyanotic to some it is regarded as a miracle.
The idea of going away to college and moving and living alone in a city hours away from family wasn’t something my doctors seemed to ever champion and at times I was ready to throw in the towel and admit defeat. How much can one put a body through to achieve ones goals in life? was once asked of me by a new cardiologist while I was admitted for heart surgery a few years back. I had a hard time responding because partly I didn’t know why I tortured myself, but all in all I think I did what I did so long for the experience of doing it. To me life is about trying new things, doing what you think is impossible, and achieving your goals no matter what you have to overcome. I know that by pushing myself I might have taken a few years off my life which I was told by a former cardiologist
I think of life a quality not quantity. I rather have spent the last 15 years pushing my body to experience all the living I have done all the amazing people I have met, the countries I have traveled to, the things I have learned then get a few extra years of sitting at home and resting. I believe I have survived this disease but it doesn’t give me a right to do nothing with it. I think if we are given such a gift we need to follow our dreams do what makes us happy. Life will never be easy but it can always be fulfilling if you make it.
So now, as I move into the next chapter of my life I still am dreaming and working towards new goals, ones that are less demanding on my body, but still rewarding.