I’m sure it’s no coincidence that this major pain flare up has come a month or so into one of the most stressful times I’ve ever experienced. Yes, I am STILL in pain. It will be a week tomorrow that this heavy discomfort has terrorized my bones muscles and joints. They ache for relief. I do anything for an hour or even ten minutes of sweet relief.
Something about this decision, the entire mess of emotions that come with hearing I most likely have to get open heart surgery. It is one of my biggest fears… not just the surgery (oh man that surgery), but the fact that I was on a high. I felt amazing, coming off a summer of rebuilding and replenishing I was brand new and ready to start living fearlessly again! It was like the record stopped that day in my cardiologist’s office. I was aware how sad I became that day but I am only now realizing just how much damage was done. I’d been crushed. This again? So soon?
As has always been the case in the past I will do whatever it takes to keep my heart safe and working the best it can -scar tissue and all. I’ve been crushed before and I get up. I can do this, I know it. It’s the in-between that’s tricky. The waiting, the doctors, the lack of trust I have in doctors, the planning, the anticipation… will I be… OK? How do I know what the “right” decision is? This is my life… how do you even begin to make decisions like this? The thinking thinking thinking, the sleepless nights, the worries, the fears.
The questions, the waiting, the visions of hospital beds and operating rooms, I think they have all took to hiding in my muscles and joints. It feels like I’m carrying it all with me all the time. How do I just let go?