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Overwhelmingly overwhelmed

Posted Sep 28 2010 11:00pm

The past two days have been simultaneously wonderful and terrifying.  I wouldn’t even know where to begin.

I find this happens a lot in my life; an amazing experience gets thrown into my path and then I am made to deal with some crazy extenuating circumstance while trying to absorb said amazing experience.  It is utterly exhausting.  I’m wiped to the point where there are no words.

So, I’ll break it down into tiny pieces:  journey to a world famous healer, heart racing. Car accident, police reports, heart races, continue on.  I arrive to see 1500 people gathered under one roof looking to be healed and I am humbled  — it’s something I’ve never experienced before.  So many people searching, in pain, suffering, looking outside themselves to further find themselves.  I’m resting on the floor every so often trying to make it through the day as my heart races, I am determined to go before the healer.  We journey back.  (I’m haunted… Am I healed)? Finally, home.  Cannot keep my eyes open yet heart still racing. I toss and turn, heart is racing.   I wake up to heart racing, I cannot stand long enough to even pour water into my glass.  I must be escorted from the bed to the couch, heart pounding out of my chest. Pacemaker download confirms to doc that my heart is racing. A lot.  (But Lauren, maybe this is part of being miraculously healed I think to myself). Email and call doctors. Head to the doctor.  Tests show atrial flutters.  Constant arrhythmias.  Stuck. Never breaking.  I hear things like clots, flutters, fibrillation, arrhythmia, blood tests.  It’s hard to hear anything over the thump thump thump of my heart. I get meds, lots of them.  I get instructions, lots of them.  Heart racing.  Go to pharmacy. Deal with crazies. Make it back home.  Heart still racing (128 bpm as I type this) as I lie in bed.  I can’t take it anymore, these staccato reminders that there is something “off”.  Trying not to wonder what’s going to happen next.  I know I’m going to be ok.  I just want that to be so right now.

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