"…Flush my worries down the drain and fly away to somewhere new"
Posted Jul 29 2009 12:00am
Things were becoming a bit too intense.
For the past year and a half now I have completely immersed myself into my illness and everything I could possibly do in my power to heal myself. I am grateful and lucky for many things, the Fundrager last year being at the top of my list… mostly because I have had the opportunity to make healing my priority.
Seeing that I cannot work, healing has been the full-time job. I filled my calendar with appointments every single day. Doctors, more doctors, homeopathic doctors, acupuncture, yoga, energy healing, nutrition counseling, this is my life. It’s no secret I’ve become obsessed. And while I need many of these things to function at this point I took a step back a couple of weeks ago and I didn’t know who I was anymore.
Everything I do every day is a constant reminder of my illness. The sadness is palpable. It is quite often the topic of my conversations, the people I see most are the ones healing me or working with me. Even when I am with friends there is no way I can enjoy the moment… my illness and my heart is all I think about. Distracted isn’t even a good word for it, neither is obsessed. I have been becoming someone I don’t know and I am not sure how to deal with it.
One thing I did know and decide was that I needed to get out of my routine. Stat.
I decided to take a sabbatical from NYC and mostly from my routines over the summer. We would stay with family everywhere we are so I do feel safe and filled with love.
This was a huge deal for me. Anxiety took over my body before leaving … I haven’t been without any of these things for a year or more. Acupuncture once a week has become a drug I can’t get enough of. I am convinced if I miss I will get sick. Don’t even get me started on other things like energy healing and therapy and my eating habits (other addictions that need cooling).
The truth is, I’ve never been so neurotic in my entire life. I may look calm on the outside but the turmoil inside was becoming too much to bear. I forced myself out of my comfort zone, my apartment was becoming my cave and I didn’t like leaving anymore other than to go to appointments. I needed nice weather. Days that would call my name with the sunshine and waves crashing against rocks that summoned me to get my ass out into the world.
So here I am out in the world for awhile. I feel brave and I feel optimistic. I am so proud to have even gotten this far. I try not to overanalyze my health while being aware. I take good care, take my medicine, and eat what’s right for me. I still need to throw down a xanax to sleep most nights (it’s when everything is quiet and it’s only me and my heartbeat that I tend to freak out the most).
Overall, I am becoming familiar with a thing called balance. Something absent from my life for so long now.
I do know I couldn’t go on the way I was. It was becoming an illness within itself. I need out of my head. I need some faith. I need nature and nice weather.
Of course, I am mixing business in with pleasure. I plan to see some researchers in Sweden in August at the Karolinska Institute. I am looking to see what sort of trials I may be able to partake in.
To wrap it up, I was recently thinking about how I’ve always sort of laughed at someone (whether in the movies or real life) who may have said something like “I am on a journey to find myself” or “I need to find myself again”. It always seemed overly dramatic to me. But now I am sympathetic. I know what this is like. I need to find the new Lauren. The post-traumatic, 25 lbs lighter, slap-in-your-face aware of mortality Lauren. What do I even identify with anymore? And who? It’s been tough to even hang with my friends in the haze I’ve been walking around in. I feel like I have nothing in common with them, like they could never truly understand no matter how amazing they have been (and they have been amazing). But that’s a different post all together.
I just want to take a breath. Take my time, have wild nights with blank Word documents, my laptop, and my mind. And when I come back to my home, my city that I adore, I want to be ME. 100% me. No judging myself. No being hard on myself. Just me. At all times.