These demons used to be much bigger for me before I had sessions with an psychologist for two years prior to my CI-surgery. The reason I want to write about them now, and share them with you all, is that it is my belief that the social handicap a dysfunctional hearing represents also makes these emotions (and others as well) grow bigger and more difficult to handle, unless focused on and talked about. (Be advised: I do not know what is “normal”, and I do not have any formal education in the field of psychology, only my own life experiences including two years in psychology therapy for a moderate depression. I’m not an expert.)
If left unattended and with unfortunate social climate (lack of compassionate, patient and understanding people around you), these emotions represents ultimately bigger issues than the hearing dysfunction in itself!
In the aftermath, where I said my apologies (there has been many of them in my life…) the flashback feelings appears. And they are not nice. I thought I buried them a while back (in the context were talking about here), but evidently not. I guess I had hopes that I too would feel like a “normal” person in the aftermath of the CI-surgery (just to inform you all, I have not been activated yet). I think that these thoughts have been part of my what-I-hope-the-surgery-will-fix-thoughts. Anyway, a reminder to myself, that despite I’m now actually a cyborg, and I have prospects of hearing better than I have ever done in my life, my old demons will still be there, lurking and waiting for another episode where I loose my temper.
Why, I ask myself, do I succumb for the anger again and again? I have felt humiliated due to misunderstandings a million times, and every time it’s followed by all these other bad feelings.
I feel ashamed of myself, most often I have wrongly insisted on being right at the expense of someone else.
I am embarassed and feel guilty because I was wrong. I feel like I did something bad. I don’t like being wrong. I see myself as an informed and knowledgeable individual, but that doesn’t help one bit in a social context where I have to rely on my hearing and ability to lip-read and interprate situations and bodylanguage etc. And take guesses!
I feel sadness, because the misunderstanding and process of clearing things up first kills any good moods and happy conversation for everyone present. Secondly I feel sadness because I think it is bloddy unfair to both myself and anyone involved. It doesn’t have to be like that? OR?
I feel humiliated because I am, despite my intentions not to be so, has been mistaken about something, and it is public knowledge that I screwed up and made an ass of myself.
I feel sorrow (selfpity) because these kinds of situations are always hard reminders that I am not like “everybody else”. I’m a deaf person. An outcast.
Lastly I have regrets, because I feel personally responsible for getting wrongfully angry or righteous in the first place, and that I hurt someone and feel bad about that. Secondly i have regrets because I’m a stubborn person and in the heat of an argument, I’m pretty strongheaded and easily dismiss others arguments even before they have been completed. I’m sorry about repeating that mistake over and over again.
I had a thought about dwelving further in these matters, kind of debate with myself, but right now my head feels like mashed potato, så I will leave it hanging, and perhaps pick it up again later.
(Note to self, when I’ve been wrong so many times, I can begin to automatically take blame and say I did wrong?)
In the meantime, a little poem about regret:
A Farewell to Regret
This is my farewell to Regret, Who served to teach me lessons I shall not forget- For now I have been acquitted From the mistakes and the wrongs I have committed This marks the end of self-loathing I’ve shed my tattered pieces Of blame-stained clothing Instead, I shall wear your pardon Like sunlight falls upon a Victory garden