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Perhaps I need to just cry

Posted Jun 11 2009 8:11pm
Perhaps I need to just let it all out
Perhaps I need to go for a good long walk
Perhaps I need to take time for myself- more than the small snatches I don't feel belong to me, because I am always supposed to do something else.
Perhaps I need to take a break?
Perhaps I can do it, indeed, I know I can.
Perhaps I need to stop thinking some people are looking at me oddly when I can't be voiced for correctly or when I can't catch what they're saying fast enough
Perhaps I need to believe in myself more
Perhaps I need to believe in myself less? (As not to get my hopes up)
Perhaps I need some perspective-

Actually I know I do but where from? I'm one of those people who, with a moment of eyes-closed, "let it all in," can almost successfully leave my current train of thought and take an outsider view of my current situation. I know I shouldn't be so dramatic but at the same time I know others would go mad- ABSOLUTELY MAD- if they had to communicate without voice for half a day let less 19 years.

Perhaps I need to just shape up
Perhaps I shouldn't post this- it's not as eloquent and just sounds whiny.

What AM I saying here? Oooo, existential crisis?

I want to put my life on hold, step out of it, and devote a month or two to intensive studying for my implant. And to draw, write, and finally get that website up. Not just for myself but for the people I hope to help with it as well.

I want to take what they called a "sabbatical" ... what I am doing right now is NOT working.

Don't worry, I'm not as ... whatever I sound right now. I'm just walking around outside of the Hearing clinic, waiting for my appointment at 11:30.

After a morning in which I felt like things were definitely not working with the interpreters in class. Not because they don't do well- they do. But because it isn't the right option for me.

I never want to depend on sign, as far as I'm concerned. I want to meet with Thom again and speak to him- REALLY speak, instead of having to ask my wonderful, brilliant boyfriend to translate.

I want to be able to do this with everyone I meet, because most people I know don't sign or don't sign that well.

Yet, I know I'm really blessed. I have a great group of friends, both online and in person. I have the CI- I have the help I'm getting for it. I even have UW resources.

Perhaps......perhaps, what?

I'll probably go back and erase this before anyone gets to see it. But I'm posting it right now because I don't trust my phone to successfully save it without erasing it, except if I actually press the "Post" button which posts it to the web.
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