I have spent the past three years on the inside trying to look out and now I find myself on the outside looking in. This may make no sense at all to you, but it does to me. And it's a good place to be. So, I've been reading "The Secret" and there's a part where it says something like "If you don't fulfill yourself, you will have nothing to give to others." And this is so true. For eleven years, I stopped existing, there was just no time to discover myself, fulfill myself and shop for myself. I threw myself into my kids- teaching Jordan to speak, ate nutella by the spoonful and shopped for Sofia Madyson because suddenly the world was pink.
I believe that one morning- I woke up, the cause for the sudden wake up is irrelevant, and felt empty. Jordan could speak, Sofia chose her own clothes and nutella wasn't working for me...so I had to self-discover. I discovered music, pilates and support groups. I discovered blogging, international associations, and other moms like me. It was like I woke up back in high school and had to go to the University (of life) again, only this time as a mom.
Only this time as a MOM.
I went to visit my friend in Florence this weekend and she took me to Flo- an outdoor nightclub-bar-disco thing. Meat market. Hilarious. I had the best time hanging out, talking, drinking and yes, I danced- pulled a leg muscle and had toe cramps the rest of the night, but I danced. At a certain point my friend started talking to a guy, who was a thirty year old stone worker. Adorable guy. He guessed that I was thirty-two years old (Saint that he was) and asked me what I did. I told him and said I had two kids. He could have been my child, not because of his age, but because between his life experiences and mine..oceans, oceans of oceans apart.
But it was okay. I saw myself from the outside and the places I lived as a crazy college girl flashed before my eyes on the inside. I just wouldn't want to go back. I don't feel like I never lived life, and I no longer feel empty. I feel like a woman who is so happy just to spend time with my kids, read a good book, hit the cube for some quality exercise every now and then, hang out with my girlfriends and guyfriends...and dive into my job.