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Choose Your Ward! So Funny!

Posted Apr 02 2009 6:15pm
Robert Kirby Tribune columnist - Salt Lake Tribune Most Sunday mornings, you'll find me on a pew in the Rosecrest 1st Wardchapel. It's where I'm supposed to go to church. Lucky for me, it's alsowhere I want to go. Technically, Mormons don't have a choice. For church,we're bound by the geography of the ward boundary. We worship where we live. The only time Mormons can switch wards without also contacting a Realtor iswhen we attend specialty wards. For example, I went to a Spanish-speakingward in West Jordan for a while. Specialty wards allow members with specific common needs to worship togetherand support each other in their exclusive part of the Lord's vineyard. Thereare (or have been) lots of LDS specialty wards, including singles wards,college wards, deaf wards, ethnic wards and nudist wards. OK, I made up that last one. There are even seasonal "snowbird wards"in places where Mormon RV owners congregate. I talked it over with my friend (despite a restraining order) KenWallentine. We think the specialty-ward idea needs to be improved on in ourever-changing and increasingly divided culture. For example, there needs to be a late ward, a ward Mormons who areperpetually late for church could attend and not feel bad about draggingtheir herd in 15 minutes late. The only problem with a late ward would beshowing up late for a meeting that was supposed to start late in the firstplace. Eventually, you would end up with a ward that ran out of time beforeit started. "Welcome to the Tardy 3rd Ward, brothers and sisters. We willclose now by singing hymn No. 145." Given the high birthrate among Mormons, I thought about the need formaternity wards. Except that we already have those. They're called marriedstudent wards. A Star Trek ward might do well. The bishop would preside from "the bridge"instead of the stand. High Council Sunday would be referred to as a "KlingonSunday." Harley riders congregate to the exclusion of just about everyone else.Why not an LDS biker ward? White shirts and neckties go well with blackleather. Ken really wants to attend a concealed-weapons ward. He says church would bea lot more interesting if real personal risks were involved in disagreeingwith a lesson. There could be a texting ward for teenagers. Bear your testimony with yourthumb. In 25 years, they'll all belong to carpal-tunnel wards. At the less-active ward, maybe there'll be a meeting and maybe there won't. Testimony meeting in an anger-management ward might be interesting.Nobody's going to sleep through, "HEY! I KNOW THE CHURCH IS TRUE, STUPID!" A big hit would be the Multi Level Marketing ward, also known as a"Gadianton robber ward." With all the financial scamming that goes on inthis culture, it would be nice to have them all in one place for athree-hour block weekly. I think a Democrat ward is a good idea, although in Utah the best we couldprobably hope for is a Democrat branch.
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