It's hard to believe that was me 6 years ago. I found this picture going through my digital files and had a wave of both sadness and joy come over me at the same time. Oh those sweet moments with your first newborn baby. The cuddles outweigh the sleepless nights (look how tired I am in that picture). The excitement clouds the complete terror of having a new baby and being a new Mom. I so loved those first few weeks with my sweet new boy. It was cold and we hibernated. I nursed him covered with a fleece blanket as friends stopped by for tea and my parents did our wash. I was learning to be a Mom and it was so new. The "me" in that picture was still innocent. Hearing loss, deafness, IEPs, surgeries, Cochlear Implants, private schools, speech perception testing and inclusion meant nothing to me. That "me" in the picture had no idea what I was in for. And it would take another 9 months for me to get there.
I see that girl with her sleep-deprived eyes yet peaceful smile and I am thankful for the time that I had when I was clueless. I've spent YEARS being angry at myself for not knowing it all in the beginning, questioning how much was lost during those months when my little boy had no sound. Wasn't it MY job as HIS Mother to know? How could I have let that happen to my boy? What did I do wrong? Yet now when I look at this picture and I see that girl who is just so at peace with this perfect little human I'm over it. I did the best that I could do with what I had and enjoyed my new baby like any other new Mom. Even if it was just for a couple of months, I was innocent.
6 years old. Happy Birthday to my little man. You find time to cuddle me in between your sports practices and Lego building sessions. You are a good friend and a fantastic student. You are silly. You are sweet. You use words like "photosynthesis" and track hockey game scores and love your sister like no other. I adore you. I love you. I'm proud to be your Mommy.