I will warn you now, this post has absolutely NOTHING to do with running, fitness or anything even remotely related to being active and healthy. In fact, it many even be a bit of a downer - consider yourself warned. I don't like to moan and groan, but I'm feeling a bit weird today. It's a strange mixture of a bit sad, a bit useless and a little bit of shock thrown in for good measure.
So here's the deal, if you've read this blog for any length of time you are likely aware that I was in a very serious car accident about 5 years ago. I suffered some major injuries in that accident and needless to say, my body has never been and never will be the same again. I suffer from ongoing pain and mobility issues that doctor after doctor have all agreed are extremely unlikely to ever improve. As a result of these injuries I lost my job in 2006 and have very little chance of ever returning to the transportation engineering consulting work I was doing at the time due to ongoing physical and pain problems that prevent me from working full time.
For the past 5 years, recovery and rehabilitation have been my number one priorities and the fitness component of that is what lead me to get back into running in 2008. Anyhow, it's been 5 long years and we are now approaching the end of the legal side of things and will hopefully be negotiating a settlement this spring. Being entirely focused on just trying to get my life back in order, I have barely put any thought into what a "settlement" means - that end of things has never been worth more than a passing thought since recovery is so much more important.
This week I had to attend some meetings with some economic and vocational experts to help quantify the loss of my original career path. I always knew this would be a discussion we'd have to have, but as I was driving home from that meeting yesterday it all kind of hit me. And it hit me hard.
How do you quantify not being able to do what you always wanted to do? What you trained to do? What you never had any intention of NOT doing? It felt horrible to see it all laid on the table in front of us and it just kind of made me feel bad. And sad. It's one thing to switch jobs because you want to, but it sucks to be forced into switching from a career you loved and suddenly have to face the thought of re-training or finding something entirely different to do with your life. And how do you even begin to quantify getting hurt and everything that comes after that? God, I don't even want to think about that.
The reality of it all is what bothered me the most. I am extremely lucky that I have been able to recover to the point I have. Things could have been so much worse and I am very lucky to be alive, generally healthy and most importantly, walking. I realize that. However, I am different now - my day to day life includes pain and medications and poor sleep and challenges doing normal everyday stuff. I can't even pick up and hold Marcus as much as I'd like to because my back and shoulders are so weak and often searing with pain. The reality of this whole thing is, all the money in the world will never change those things. When the legal stuff is all said and done, I'm still going to hurt. I'm still going to ache. I'm still going to struggle. I'm still going to need help doing so many things.
I guess I just focused on more important things for the past 5 years and suddenly the reality of this whole "settlement" thing just kind of hit me yesterday. I'm sorry if this was a total downer of a post, I promise I'll try to write something more interesting and upbeat next time. It just helps to get it out becaue then I don't have to keep it inside and obsess about it.
So yeah, I'm just feeling a bit weird today. And to top it all off, I can't even go for the run I scheduled this afternoon because I left the stroller in the back of my husband's car and he won't be home until late. Whoops. Way to go. Maybe I'll just go find something obscenely bad for me to eat - yeah, that'll make it all better. :o)
So here's the deal, if you've read this blog for any length of time you are likely aware that I was in a very serious car accident about 5 years ago. I suffered some major injuries in that accident and needless to say, my body has never been and never will be the same again. I suffer from ongoing pain and mobility issues that doctor after doctor have all agreed are extremely unlikely to ever improve. As a result of these injuries I lost my job in 2006 and have very little chance of ever returning to the transportation engineering consulting work I was doing at the time due to ongoing physical and pain problems that prevent me from working full time.
For the past 5 years, recovery and rehabilitation have been my number one priorities and the fitness component of that is what lead me to get back into running in 2008. Anyhow, it's been 5 long years and we are now approaching the end of the legal side of things and will hopefully be negotiating a settlement this spring. Being entirely focused on just trying to get my life back in order, I have barely put any thought into what a "settlement" means - that end of things has never been worth more than a passing thought since recovery is so much more important.
This week I had to attend some meetings with some economic and vocational experts to help quantify the loss of my original career path. I always knew this would be a discussion we'd have to have, but as I was driving home from that meeting yesterday it all kind of hit me. And it hit me hard.
How do you quantify not being able to do what you always wanted to do? What you trained to do? What you never had any intention of NOT doing? It felt horrible to see it all laid on the table in front of us and it just kind of made me feel bad. And sad. It's one thing to switch jobs because you want to, but it sucks to be forced into switching from a career you loved and suddenly have to face the thought of re-training or finding something entirely different to do with your life. And how do you even begin to quantify getting hurt and everything that comes after that? God, I don't even want to think about that.
The reality of it all is what bothered me the most. I am extremely lucky that I have been able to recover to the point I have. Things could have been so much worse and I am very lucky to be alive, generally healthy and most importantly, walking. I realize that. However, I am different now - my day to day life includes pain and medications and poor sleep and challenges doing normal everyday stuff. I can't even pick up and hold Marcus as much as I'd like to because my back and shoulders are so weak and often searing with pain. The reality of this whole thing is, all the money in the world will never change those things. When the legal stuff is all said and done, I'm still going to hurt. I'm still going to ache. I'm still going to struggle. I'm still going to need help doing so many things.
I guess I just focused on more important things for the past 5 years and suddenly the reality of this whole "settlement" thing just kind of hit me yesterday. I'm sorry if this was a total downer of a post, I promise I'll try to write something more interesting and upbeat next time. It just helps to get it out becaue then I don't have to keep it inside and obsess about it.
So yeah, I'm just feeling a bit weird today. And to top it all off, I can't even go for the run I scheduled this afternoon because I left the stroller in the back of my husband's car and he won't be home until late. Whoops. Way to go. Maybe I'll just go find something obscenely bad for me to eat - yeah, that'll make it all better. :o)