this trip home has has given me much to think about. for instance, WHAT i am doing with my life is actually much different then what i WANT to do with my life. i realize that these things change fairly often for me, but when im left with these blank slates it forces me to think deeper about what is under the surface. that place that gets tucked away and covered by a blanket of being so busy trying to ‘make it’ and all the little things that go along with it that you cant ever predict when you are forging your own path.
so what is it that i WANT to do?
i want to write
i want to travel, often
i want to help people while helping myself by simply living my life and doing the things i want to do
at first glance, these things have nothing to do with what i DO for a living. im not saying i want to be a famous chef or have my own restaurant. it is true that i am super passionate about natural food + cooking and have already learned a lifetime of knowledge in the subject . . . but how can what i DO and what im passionate about marry with what i truly WANT.
to think that its impossible is really what holds me back. there is no manual to my life and there is nobody that has done exactly what i want to do with my same skill set, personality etc. its a very exciting, yet lonely place to be.
but, i cant really think of a way to NOT try. not trying in my eyes would be getting a ‘real’ 9-5 job, settling in one place, only looking forward to weekends and my 1-2 times a year vacation. at this point, the thought of me living that life frightens me MORE than it frightens me to take all these risks and dream big.
but still . . . i feel stuck
so what does one do when they are stuck, knows what they want but no idea how to get them?
do all you can . . .
with what you have . . .
from where you are . . .
the only thing that makes sense is to try without knowing HOW its going to happen. its a crazy concept to most, but im finding that the best things happen when you let go, believe you are and what you have to give is enough and not be in complete control of the journey.
so then . . .
when i get back to hawaii i have no work lined up. when you have been essentially freelancing like i have for the past year, you learn that there are REALLY slow times and REALLY fast paced times. usually there was always something ahead so i can relax a bit in the lulls, but now . . . there is just nothing. ive decided to return back into some sort of part-time work, hopefully at a restaurant. i feel the need for some financial security but not enough to where i dont make my next move which is . . .
FINALLY launching my t-shirt line. for 3 years this has been in the works and the timing and motivation was never perfect. news flash! it will never BE perfect, that notion is all in my head. truthfully, ive been holding back because out of all the work that i do . . . this holds the biggest risk for ‘failure’. either way, i cant not try. i believe i have a good concept, target market and im in the right location for such things. my hope is that this will create enough income to fuel whatever it is that i WANT to do.
get a handle on my health. since ive moved out to hawaii, ive obviously gained about 15-20lbs of crutch weight. its killing me just as much as it would anyone else. but i am extra hard on myself because i am a health ‘professional’ . . . i help people what i cant help myself with. i know what needs to be done (always have) but i feel like im just ready to let go and really take action.
write. i love to write. i do it much more than appears on this blog. i fill journals and have secret tumblr accounts to document the randomness in my head. ive always felt that the different things i write are for different places and people to see which is fine as i like to keep a lot private. but i have so many stories to tell, so much wisdom and i really like connecting and putting things out there. my goal is to write 3x per week. even if its about a photo, or something i did that day or something i cooked or ate. i cant complain about how writing wont ever get me anywhere if im not even doing it. i want to do it because its fun, there is no end game.
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so much more of my life as of late has been planning and figuring out the steps. but nothing happens by simply writing it down and thinking about it. you must take action. even if its small, even if you dont think it matters it is still SOMETHING. our actions speak to much more than we realize . . .