Whoops getting to this later than I wanted to today, but oh well, you know how these things go sometimes.
I am feeling a bit more confident with nursing today as I am officially out of the fail zone, weeee (aka PHEW)! After talking to my professor earlier today about the two tests I did poorly on, she agreed with some of justifications on why my answers were correct… others were simply keyed wrong (darn you scantron). I’m only about 1.5 points above that scary fail line of doom, but hey, MUCH better than I was yesterday. I plan to take on the next test with a whole new attitude, approach and with guns blazing because gosh darn it, I WILL prevail!
Alright I’m done with that stuff (for now ), moving on to the main event, What I Ate Wednesday! All credit goes to Jenn who blogs over at Peas and Crayons for this weekly event, thank you!
I am officially putting a “busting out posts faster” plan into place! I usually write a sentence and then waste 10-15 minutes on Pinterest, Facebook, (fill in mind-numbing website here). Or ramble on about things that are unnecessary to… like right now, ahh! Shutting up now and getting to the food.
This particular WIAW is from Easter Sunday , a day chosen by many other bloggers out there today! I wanted to talk about this particular day, not only because of the great food and wonderful company, but because of an innocent comment that was made that just… bothered me a bit. Additionally, Easter was of course a family, holiday gathering, which can always be a bit tough for people with various degrees of anxiety related to whatever.
As I said on Friday, I spent my Easter with my sister-in-law’s family, who live in a small town near the beginning of Cape Cod. I adore my sister-in-law and her family too! They are a hoot and a half to be with, such nice and welcoming people, polite, wonderful to talk to… ahh just so glad our families have joined together I drove up Sunday morning, and before leaving whipped up a green smoothie to drink on the road… aka in the first 10 minutes or so, I was real hungry that morning.
Nothing original about this smoothie, had your basic ingredients, yet a combination I never tire of: 1 medium banana, frozen strawberries, vanilla soy milk, peanut butter, a spoonful of the chocolate PB powder I found a few weeks ago, cinnamon, vanilla extract and lots of spinach.
I was actually planning on taking a walk before I left, but couldn’t seem to pry myself out of my warm, comfortable bed that was just too lovely to leave. There was a part of me that hoped to get some movement in before heading out in order to feel a bit more “okay” with eating the Easter feast later that day. This is absolutely nothing new, yet major changes are present. First of all, I was planning to walk not run (still not properly able to, explanation another time), and when I did miss my allotted time frame of doing so, I didn’t flip out, calmly acknowledged it was fine, and the day would be glorious anyway. Progress.
It only takes about 1.5 hours to get there, yet I found myself simultaneously hungry and having to pee like no other (TMI?) about an hour in… snack/bathroom break. This particular flavor of a Clif Bar was consumed,Taken out of the wrapper beforehand in order to avoid dying on the road with me trying to open this and drive. Deemed a smart decision! I arrived around 12:00, lunch was set for 1:30, so it was visiting and appetizer time. I forgot to take pictures of the food I ate before the actual meal, sorry about that… but just imagine me eating several crackers with cheese (I believe it was Pepperjack? I don’t know cheese well), a few chunks of pineapple and a Diet Coke. Side note, I am ALL about having no restrictions on food, well working on that I mean, and I have never restricted myself from the beloved Diet Coke. However, I am making a conscious decision to at least cut back… 1-2 a week, when I really, truly want one. I actually haven’t been craving but that day, I WAS and woah, what a welcome icy cold, bubbly, slightly burning taste that was When all of the guests had arrived, it was time for the Easter feast! I contributed a dessert and a side dish as well, a Strawberry, Avocado, Spinach Salad. In my opinion, a salad that you cannot go wrong with, plus perfect for spring! I got the idea when I was browsing the grocery store the other day and saw 2 pounds of strawberries for $2.99, couldn’t resist. I used this recipe, but instead of kale (BLARGH), I substituted it with spinach and also added a bit of dijon mustard into the dressing. A closer, my lame attempt at looking like I have a diesel camera and know exactly what I am doing when taking pictures… being all artsy and stuff. Just go with it. See the texture, flavors, amazingness, ehh?! My salad was a big hit! I thought I had made way too much (a heaping bowlful), but found it was just enough, though if there was more I’m sure people would go for it, I know I would have. It was nice to hear everyone enjoyed it, never fails to make you feel good Other items on my plate and at the table included: roasted ham, glazed carrots, spinach garlic bread (drool), pineapple, bread and butter pickles, mashed potatoes, and toasted ciabatta bread. This was my plate… do not fret, I went for seconds and a piece of crusty, crunchy ciabetta bread with a smear of butter as well. Ciabatta is most definitely at the top of my list as far as favorite breads go, plus it’s traditionally served in my house! Hmm among so many others… it’s hard to choose a favorite bread, let’s be honest here. Goodness do I love pickles, could honestly eat a whole jar no problem and after this meal, where I had too many to count, well I’m pretty sure I am going to be retaining water for the next week or so. And you cannot go wrong with Bread & Butter pickles, salty, sweet, cold, crunchy…. nom. The food was enjoyed by all, it was a lovely lunch with good conversation, laughter and all of that great stuff. But this is where the comment comes in. Now I know what was said was NOT intending to be negative, mean, hurtful, humorous, sarcastic, whatever at all! It was the way I personally interpreted it was what made the difference because to someone else in a different state of mind, it would have been a compliment. It doesn’t even matter who said it, because no matter who it came from I would have had the same reaction. Basically it was something along the lines of, “Wow you ate actual bread with actual butter! And ham, and other stuff too!” Perhaps to some of you that may seem like no big deal and in hind site, you’re right! When I heard it though, I felt immediately anxious, felt myself blushing, and those oh-so-evil eating disorder flags being raised up nice and high. I interpreted it as, “You ate actual bread with butter, you are finally showing weakness! You are becoming normal again, that is great to see.” Something to that extent. Plus, hearing this allowed me to understand that my family does continue to watch me at meals, seeing what I eat and don’t eat, amounts, and what I do or do not finish. This knowledge makes me further…. just uncomfortable. First of all, I DO NOT want my issues to ever be the focus, or what is getting attention. It’s so weird, I can blabber on and on about my eating issues on here, but when it comes to talking about it in person, I clam up...change the subject ASAP, just DO NOT want to talk about it… I don’t want it acknowledged in my “real” life? I’m not even sure. Second, not a fan of knowing others are looking at me when eating, especially when I am already a bit stressed out with the meal… I mean yeah it’s true, this sh*t still lingers. I am not mad in the slightest, not irritated with who said this at all, and now that I’ve been able to think about it, not really caring if anyone is looking at me while eating. The reason? Because they love me, they worry about me, they care for me and are doing their best to support me in anyway they can. I am truly blessed to have people in my life that care about me as much as they do, so lucky to have close relationships with people that are 100% nonjudgmental, who love me unconditionally…. gosh that is nice to know. Of course I’m fine at this point, after the eating disorder had it’s fun there for a second, and I was able to think rationally. I KNOW what happens when I act on certain comments, or manage to completely change their meaning into something just plain wrong. Or when I take specific comments to heart, in an attempt to prove whatever was said wrong, or thrive off of it, use it for motivation to fall deeper and deeper… down down down. Sam wrote a post talking about similar issues on Alex’s blog the other day (guest post!), and I could not agree with her more and find myself echoing much of what she said. Well that went on longer than I thought, but I did want to make sure I was able to articulate myself correctly on hearing triggering comments and what they REALLY mean, as opposed to what your sick, confused, deadly side of your brain thinks. I’m going to hear more of these as my life goes on.. they will be acknowledged, blown off depending on what is said, or taken to heart in a way that proves the person saying it is being genuine, caring and loving. Oh right I should probably show you what else I ate that day huh? I arrived home at 5:30, did some reading/note taking for awhile and prepared for the week. I really wasn’t hungry even later in the evening.. the lunch and continuous snacking on candy and other such things, left me feeling satisfied. Eventually I was peckish though, had a yogurt/cottage cheese/cereal bowl and then quickly followed up with THIS: Homemade vanilla cupcake (thank you Tami!) with buttercream frosting, and a dark chocolate bunny on top With more butter cream in the middle! I was sad when it was gone in errr 2.5 bites or so. You might say I was eating this cupcake “wrong,” as taking the bottom off, putting it over the frosting like a sandwich is the way to go (or eat cake part first and then leave frosting for last). But with more cream/frosting in the middle, you had the best of both worlds in each and every bite. Mhmm that is how you do a cupcake. P.s. that was the first time in A WHILE I enjoyed a legitimate, buttery, sugary cupcake. Why did I ever restrict myself from such things? Silly willy brain of mine. Woot the post only took me an hour and 15 minutes! That is much shorter than usual to be honest, I usually go over 2.5 with all of the distractions I fall prey to. Thank you for reading this particularly important (to me) WIAW post! Now some questions for yeeee -Has someone ever said something to you, a comment, compliment, opinion, that was supposed to be nice/supportive/thoughtful, but you interpreted completely differently? How did you initially react? Triggering comments. -For anyone who has/had any sort of eating issues, how do you feel when such issues are “in the spot light” or someone brings it up in person? How do you handle this? -If you could only eat TWO types of bread the rest of your life which two would you choose?! For now I will say… a perfect cinnamon, raisin bread (thick slices only) and a seedy, full of nuts and grains, hearty kind. -What is the RIGHT way to eat a cupcake? -Please go on and tell me the very best thing you ate/baked/cooked recently! I need some new breakfast and/or dinner ideas, so if you want to share recipes from your blog, please feel free! Tomorrow is my first official maternity clinical (last week was orientation), so off to bed early to be fresh for the morning! Looking forward to telling you about the experience Have a nice night!