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WIAW- Just Eat?!

Posted May 02 2012 5:38am

Good Morning to Yee!

I am officially done with EVERYTHING! Classes are over, those last two papers are written, assignments have been handed in, my undergraduate career is over! It feels…. weird, exciting, overwhelming, thrilling, stupendous, odd…. I wish I knew some better adjectives and while I could go and thesaurus this, ehhh too lazy right now. Being DONE is causing some serious mixed emotions, but for the most part they are all positive ones!

Plus the fact that I am going back to school in September, albeit a completely different school, still means the return of classes, so it’s not completely as if I am 100% done with academics. The last four years have been full of ups and downs to say the very least and this is something I really do want to elaborate on a future post. Right now though, I am a bit tired of self-reflecting on college, as I have done so for a few end-of-the semester classes. So look for that next week or soon after :)

Oh and yesterday was also my last day of my internship at the eating disorder clinic, something else I will speak more about soon as well. Overall though, a tremendous experience and I could not have been more pleased with my choice to pursue that option for my last semester as an undergraduate student.

Even though I am done with everything, I am sticking around these parts until May 12th as that is the day of graduation from the school of Public Health (my major), plus there are several senior activities to partake in, and my RA job requires me to work this week and next. I am fine with it though, as I really do have plenty I can still do around here, and plus I have the well… entire rest of my life NOT to be here, so I ought to make it last!

Here we are halfway through the week which of course it means it is What I Ate Wednesday time, a weekly tradition put on my Jenn blogging over at Peas and Crayons. As always Jenn, thanks for hosting this!

**I say this often but if you don’t want to read my ramblings here, just head on down to the food! It’s what “WIAW” is about after all and I totes understand!

Today I am basing the WIAW post off of something my mom asked me when she visited last week for my final research presentation. It was nothing bad of course, but a question that has been irritating me because I know the extent of truth behind my answer to it, and how much further I have to go.

My mom, dad and I went out last Thursday night for sushi (more on this later in the post) before my presentation the next morning (mom came over to stay the night, we live too far away), and while I did certainly enjoy the meal, I felt a bit “empty” after, both physically and mentally, as I did not eat the full extent to what I truly wanted. Yep I was restricting a bit, eating plenty but not exactly what my mind and body desired… because well, that is what I do, I never consume “exactly” what I want as I cannot face the fear, guilt, shame, and various emotions that come with just eating.

After dinner in the car ride back to campus, I confided in her that I still felt a tad hungry and peeved with myself, something she told me she could sense.

A few minutes later she asked me “so during that meal, when you know that sushi is healthy, that you need to eat more and gain more weight, that you are with two people that love you and would never judge you (mom & dad), were you still thinking about what to and what NOT to eat during that meal? Were you thinking about the actual food a lot during the meal?”

I didn’t answer for a second, then proceeded to give her a perplexed look… “mom, of course I am obsessing about the food- I am trying to figure out the amount of calories I am consuming, having an internal battle of what would be ‘okay’ to eat and what I should not have, how hungry/full I am, what time it is, if I will be hungry later, if I will be able to handle the emotions following the meal (the inevitable guilt), if I should try and “save” calories… if one bite of something else is alright, how much weight this food will make me gain…”

After answering her question I sat back for a second and thought about her question more…. and I became increasingly bothered by my answer, the truth and honesty behind it. The extent that I think and obsess about food at every.single.meal, each time I eat no matter what the item is…. well it’s just sad.

I know I am not saying anything new here, I’m pretty sure I have made it QUITE CLEAR that I have just the slightest obsession with food, my body, my weight, calories, nutrition, etc. (note the sarcasm). I guess why I am bothered by this is that the internal conversation, the talk I give myself each time I eat something, is just so “detailed” that really paying attention to anything else is a difficult task… no wonder I am not a fan of eating with other people, they are distracting me from concentrating of the food! Oh wait, this might be a good thing.

I wonder something, what would it be like to “just eat?”

  • To not think/obsess about each morsel of food that crosses my lips?
  • To not think about the next meal no matter what time of day it is or if I have just eaten?
  • To not worry about calories in one extra piece of food at a meal?
  • What would it be like to go to a restaurant and order anything I wanted without modifying the sh*t out of it?
  • What would it like to not have to obsess in order to avoid those guilty feelings when eating?

I will say it again, what would “just eating” be like? I know there was a time in my life that I did this, ate when I was hungry, stopped when I was full and chose whatever the heck I wanted without a second though. I used to be like this, but honestly, I can’t even fathom that mindset anymore. How was I ever like that? What was my life like before the constant though and obsession, when food just played a part, rather than the starring role?

Again, I realize I am not saying anything particularly ground-breaking here. But my mom asking that question spurred something inside me… she had no idea of the internal battle and conversation that continues to commence so LOUDLY each time I eat something. If you could hear my mind playing during any meal, well you would be witnessing one seemingly crazy person in action.

I thought these voices, the on-going debate of what I should and should not eat would get better and slowly diminish as I gained weight. Yet I feel as though the opposite has happened, especially more recently as the fear of gaining MORE weight has intensified. I know I have been saying this lately but some major changes need to be made this summer, something else must occur in order to light a fire under my ass to keep things getting better.

Wow sorry…. that was a tangent to say the least, and I haven’t even started to talk about the food yet!

But honestly, I can’t begin a post about eating and food without first explaining the current mental struggle with it I am having. This goes back to what I was saying before, I no longer remember what it’s like to JUST EAT, so how could I ever talk about EATING without first prefacing the extent of the obsession and internal battle that never seems to leaves me?

Well I could if this was not what my blog was about… but it is! On that note, let’s (finally) get to the food. This is what I ate last Thursday.

This may seem boring to you, but I just cannot get enough of my cereal/yogurt mix each and every morning. It’s the simplest and most delicious item I can prepare in the morning here at school and the variations I often to make to it make it even better!

Plus recently I have been able to eat out of my new and super fabulous and pretty bowl from TJ MAXX, and got it for one buck! A deal and a half (holla). In this particular bowl:

  • Blueberry Chobani (my personal favorite of the fruit flavors),
  • 2 T of milled flax seed
  • Trader Joe’s High Fiber O’s cereal
  • Kashi go lean v
  • Vanilla soy milk to loosen it all up (hmm that sounds weird, but you get what I am saying!)
  • Topped with strawberries and blackberries!

The TJ’s High Fiber O’s might be my favorite cereal from there,

Great nutrition facts and excellent taste, plus they hold their crunch for quite a while! I sent these to Alexandra a few months back when we did a foodie swap, I think she liked them too :)

I usually have some kind of nut/trail mix mixture during the mid-morning and did this particular day as well, BUT brought back these bad boys into my life,

Good lord these are great. I have been snacking on the dark chocolate kind lately, but these are a welcome change. I ended up having a serving size, 24 almonds (yes I count them out, want to continue being honest!), and enjoyed a delicious burst of flavor from each one.

This was a rather special meal, as not only was it from the Whole Foods salad/hot bar (love of my life) but it also took place with Mumzy!

Thanks for bearing with me mom while I take the pictures and make you snap some too! ;)


I got a whole bunch of different items for my salad and can’t remember all of them…. but the noteworthy items are: white fish baked in a wine sauce, chili lime sweet mashed sweet potatoes, grilled chicken, kale mixed with avocado (my favorite in there), curry red potatoes, sauteed asparagus, pumpkin seeds…. that’s all I can think of :)

Mom got a similar salad but with a few different toppings, we both loved em!

This salad held me over for much longer than my usual salad does- I am sure the extra protein and fat helped with this. However, I was of course eventually hungry and tried my hand at another individual protein cake with a few different ingredients than last time.

In this particular bake: 2 T of coconut flour, 1 T of chocolate protein powder, 1/3 cup egg whites, 1 packet of splenda, 2 T applesauce, 1 T milk, and 1 tsp of BUTTER, a last-second add in, as I realized it would taste a whole lot better with some fat in there. I just melted the butter down and stirred it in with the other ingredients. After 5 minutes of microwave action I had the above muffin which I paired with a heap of almond butter and a handful of grapes on the side.

The muffin was just okay… it still was much to dry though! What am I doing wrong here? Perhaps more fat from butter or oil would make it taste better and more (dare I say this word) moist. muahaha.

And now comes the sushi! I requested we go to my most favorite sushi restaurant in Northampton, the same place I went to with my dad several months ago and also on my birthday… Osaka!

We ordered a whole bunch of different items and managed to finish off every single bit of food… yes the three of us, and proud of it! While I was doing my best to challenge myself, I was also questioning every bit of food that enters my mouth… I was still eating A LOT, but there is always a sense of doubt.

We started with the meal with miso soup (not pictured) and then ordered a few appetizers. The first one was mussels in a creamy, sweet sauce (sorry all of these pictures are kind of dark and crappy, but I felt weird with the flash in the restaurant!)

The next item though was something I loved…man oh man, was it a most excellent choice!

This was sliced tender beef rolled around asparagus in a teriyaki sauce with sesame seeds. Yep, this was in fact as amazing as it sounds, and let me tell you, I have yet to regret bringing beef back into my life!

Next up, the sushi!

We all shared everything, and when we order we order big, clearly :) Oh and the rawer (how weird is that word?) the better! On the plate above there was tuna, yellow tail, salmon, and white fish over rice, one tuna roll, and an avocado and eel roll as well.

This plate held an “Alaska maki” which was avocado, salmon and cucumber and the two pieces of sushi were scallop and white tuna. This was my first time trying scallop in a sushi style and what a great choice that was! The scallop flavor really came through.

As you can see, we are quite adventurous with our sushi choices and like I said earlier, every item was consumed! Okay now, even though I know sushi is healthy, I should not care about calories, indulge, it’s a special occasion and all of that…. well clearly I do. After a certain point, the internal thoughts really made an entrance, especially after I had eaten SEVERAL pieces, “do you really need more? Do you know how many calories one piece has? You are full enough, just stop.” SHUT UP!!!!

How distracting that is…. why can’t I just eat?!

Overall it was a really nice dinner though, the food was delicious (even after my disordered brain tried to ruin it), I did enjoy all that I had, had minimal guilt, and was blessed to spend an evening with both of my parents at a favorite restaurant. Can’t ask for more than that :)

I concluded my day with another chobani yogurt later on that night, as I was hungry a few hours later… forgot to snap a picture, but we all know what those look like by now!

I realize this post was all over the place, there was some extra rambling as I tend to do, but yeah, I just want to be upfront about all of this as possible. As I said earlier, how can I talk about food without really talking about it? I cannot, I feel I would be behaving dishonestly, making everything seem like it’s lalala okay dokay! when it’s not. However, not all doom and gloom and I know my continuous venting about all of this and also reflecting on my irrational mindset and decisions, does help each and every time.

This post all comes from that one question my mom asked me after dinner, about if I still think about food when I am eating it, don’t I just turn it off, could I try? HAHA… I wish, I so so wish I could JUST EAT. How well…. amazing, but normal, would that be? Let me tell you something, a majority of my life has been filled with food just playing a part, and while I don’t think I will ever be completely care free, I do continuously make the promise to myself and all of you that it will get better.

And who knows, maybe in the future I will just be able to eat.

Please share your own thoughts here, I would love to hear from you…

-What does it mean to you to “just eat?” Do you have that ability? If not, do you remember what that was like?

-How much do you think about food and eating?… I know, what a boring/redundant question. But I would like to know! I am somewhat embarrassed about how much I think about it, all.of.the.time. It seems I can’t escape it, yet it is playing some kind of role/filling a void in my daily life.

-What breakfast are you currently loving? It’s time to make some changes when I go home!

-Do you make those mug cakes/individual cakes often? What is your favorite recipe for it?

-Do you eat sushi? Raw or cooked? Favorite kind?

-What is the very best thing you ate in the past seven? The sushi and the beef appetizer are definitely a WIN for me this week!

Enjoy the rest of your Wednesday and for those in the midst of final exams, good luck ladies :)

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