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WIAW- (In My Mind) Something’s Gotta Give

Posted Apr 04 2012 4:48am

As always, your personal thoughts on Monday’s post was much appreciated! I really cannot help but open a post without first acknowledging how moved I am by your all taking the time to read my words! It was nice knowing I am not alone in thinking about those images, and it was also great for me to hear that I helped some of you understand yourself even more! Thank you again for your words :)

And now it’s time for a What I Ate Wednesday post and of course all credit goes to Jenn over at Peas and Crayons for continuing to put together this blogging event!

**In today’s post there is a lot of talk on numbers, measuring food, weight and all of that. As always if you are sensitive to such topics and are easily triggered, please read with discretion or not at all! Thank you :) Oh and one more preface to this… I understand if you get angry with me in this… just for the record.

If you have been reading my blog for the past several days, you would know that I have been talking about a lot of the same “stuff” recently. All of my current struggles, thoughts, and decisions are all going back to my commitment to not engage in any intense exercise. This is a major change to say the very least… I mean a break like this is something I haven’t done since I was 11 years old and I joined a swim team. Taking a rest for more than 2 days simply did not happen!

To keep you updated, I have not broken my promise to myself or to you all.. I have not partook in any strenuous/exerting workouts for 1 week and 2 days so far (not that I am counting or anything). Yoga, pilates, walks, and stretches are now part of my “new” routine and I don’t think my heart rate has exceeded 100 BPM recently… how weird it is! I will tell you that I have done some core and upper-body strength training because truthfully, I do fear losing muscle tone. As much as I ought to not be doing anything with weights, well mentally it’s intolerable.

So how am I doing with not exercising? The short answer is I am doing alright. I feel okay, I’m not going as bat-sh*t crazy as I thought I would. BUT, it seems there’s always another story to this, more to mention, items hidden or lurking below the surface which try to hide the entire truth in the matter.

This is where my promise to be a transparent and “real” blogger is going to be well-exhibited.

**(I am doing this WIAW post by breaking up my words with pictures of my food. Today is more about what i am saying here rather than the meals, but they still play an important role!)

Alright so as I said before I am doing “alright” with the lack of activity and this is a WIAW post which focuses on food…. and I am not exercising and burning everything off. Can you perhaps see where I am going with this? OH RIGHT, the whole food aspect of the rest period, what is going on with that? I have alluded to this a few times recently, and it’s once again time for me to be honest.

**********

At school this means a hefty bowl of cereal…. my favorite while here:

In the bowl- 1 container of Vanilla Chobani, 1 T of milled flax seed, 1/3 cup of a new-for-me discounted cereal (this sucker was only one dolla bill!), 1/2 cup low-fat milk, blackberries.

**********

On that note HONESTLY, I am… restricting, to a certain extent at least. Now before I get more into this, I want to clarify something. I am by no means dangerously restricting. In fact my caloric intake is MUCH HIGHER than it ever would have been even just a year ago when I was beginning recovery. At this point, I know eating too little is just bad- slows down your metabolism, you lose muscle tone, it can manifest into continuing to decrease calories, makes you think about food more, etc.

Oh and that ever-so-fun one of binging at night…

Throughout this post you will see that I am still consuming an nice variety of food, with even some special stuff thrown in there. It’s not like I am once again “running’ on carrot sticks, an apple and a single sweet potato a day (fun times? Hardee har har). The food is there, but the focus on it has intensified. Not good.

I know eating too little is wrong and of course will not help my body (and mind!) recover and gain energy once again. BUT, I am still restricting to a degree.

*********

A trail mix of sorts:

In the mix: 1/2 cup Kashi Go Lean, 20 almonds- cocoa and regular ones

********

I am being very careful- while in the past few months I have been much more “loose” with measuring food, well I am back at it. I am no longer mindlessly picking- when I eat something, I remember and record it… count it toward my calorie intake for the day, oh and yeah, I am sure as heck counting calories. How many you ask? Well I am not going to give exact numbers for obvious reasons, but it’s… less compared to when I was exercising.

I am not longer putting my body through a hellacious workout and burnings tons of energy on a daily basis. Okay then, something has got to give…. oh I know! Limiting my food intake of course! Making sure I really focus on the food now and that will allow me to feel better about this rest period. Phew, I am so glad I found a way to mentally be alright with this break time.

And it always goes back to the same damn reason- I am petrified of gaining too much weight. After all of this time, after my thoughts and posts on how weight does not matter, and how we should learn to love who we are… what influence society has on me, and how weight really and truly does not define ME… After all of that, I still manage to hang onto this debilitating, irrational and illogical fear.

*************

I had to go out for lunch for a work-related thing and ordered a salad (I know, so different of me!)

This was great actually- mixed greens, spinach, tomatoes, cucumbers, carrots, onions, 1/2 cup chickpeas (that one was actually a rough major and yep, it made me very anxious to not know “for sure”), a sprinkle of feta cheese, and a slice of whole wheat bread on the side.

It’s pretty obvious why I was still hungry after this lunch and since I was near Trader Joe’s at the time, I decided to poke around in there for something else (plus I just love being there):

This is definitely one of my most favorite items at TJs! I ate this entire container which did a great job of filling me up with the high protein and bit of fat from the oil that is in there.

*************

I do apologize if you are sick of me venting about this, the weight thing.. I mean shouldn’t I have “gotten over it by now?!” Well good god this illness is hard to shake. To anyone with an eating disorder/disordered eating/fear of gaining weight, could this have been a more obvious statement? Don’t think so. I don’t want to lose weight necessarily (<—ED brain right there) but I sure as hell don’t want to gain even though I need to!!

Damn I feel like screaming sometimes.

In retrospect, I am pretty sure I don’t need as much food when I am not exercising… physiologically that makes sense. I am not necessarily worried about the physical symptoms of the decisions I am making on food now, but how my brain is turning this rest period into something else.

Plus I am unwilling to even give the theory of exercising less but still eating 2,400(+) a chance. As soon as I lightened up the workouts, the food intake was cut and to me (or the ED) this is an absolute no-brainer. Alright so not losing weight while intensely exercising and eating X amount. Changes must occur! Less calories burn= less calorie intake. Can’t gain weight- that would be the equivalent of the world ending!

Ugh. Plus I am starting to feel more guilty lately for my food intake and choices… yeeshe.

***********

Fresh fruit was on the menu for that warm afternoon:

A few chunks of pineapple and strawberries. This was from the DC on campus and the reason I do no complain about the food here… I mean it’s sooo damn fresh and tasty! On the way out and to my next class I consumed this particular bar-

There was a brief thought of, oh you don’t need that, you just had a snack and plus ya know… didn’t exercise today! But I was able to overcome that irrationality and had the Mojo bar. A good choice, but a tad too crunchy for my liking.

***********

I am so AWARE that I am doing this, and so AWARE that this is the eating disorder manifesting itself in a different way. But I “have” to know I can keep my body in check, remaining at a certain weight that is so damn important to me… it means everything and yet, it means nothing, and again I KNOW this. The comfort I feel in being able to manipulate my body is alarming but feels so good and right at the same time.

Yet is is so wrong…

I have been talking to my mom and therapist about this and am totally honest with them (as I am all of you) about what I am doing. It’s a bit odd(?) understanding that restricting my food intake is not helpful or healthy and is hindering my recovery and my goal toward a normal relationship with food. And YET, I am doing it anyway and with very little inclination or desire to stop. I don’t want to give this up, I don’t know if I can, yet this has the ability to bring me back to the depths of the disorder.

Again, the awareness is bountiful, and I am doing it anyway. So why is this? Why is the compulsive need to have a handle on myself still so evident? What is beyond my fear of weight, of being “fat?” What the hell else is going on that is still leading me to hang on so desperately to all of this?

And this is where seeking the logical side of yourself is essential, I know it’s me somewhere. Continuing to not only be aware, but also ready to face some serious challenges and setbacks along the way and then OVERCOME them!

************

A sandwich bought from another place on campus- (oh and please excuse the messy appearance… I was really hungry ha)

This was a 6-inch wheat sub- 4 slices of deli turkey, 1 slice of provolone cheese, cucumbers, lettuce, tomato, light olive oil/balsamic dressing, KETCHUP and a few baked Doritos for crunch.

An apple with a tablespoon of almond butter was consumed as well (not pictured, sorraay!)

***********

Honestly, I am really struggling right now. No not physically, but mentally-attempting to understand what the right thing to do is and then freakin do it.

  • One side, the recovery, rational one knows in order to establish a normal view of food and my body and to also establish trust with myself, I have to not only take a rest, but also eat the way I ought to be!
  • But then there is the illogical, disordered side- the one that tells me to restrict “just enough” in order to not gain weight… which of course means so much more than that simple goal.

Oh and we all know where this type of thinking can lead to- just a bit more, just a few less, just want to lose those extra pounds… and then I will be happy. Yet that never happens and whoops, there you are back to square one of the disorder. RELAPSE.

So what side is going to prevail? Well that is up to me.

I am sure there readers out there that are angry or perhaps frustrated at me for all of this. I don’t blame you and I am frustrated with myself. I am not looking for approval (durr) of what I am doing or anything like that.

I am just being completely HONEST and REAL with you all that this recovery business is hard work- a much bigger pain in the ass than I could have ever imagined. The disorder has the ability to rear its ugly head in so many aspects of your life and becomes very difficult to tackle them all. Oh well though that is what you (and me!) just have to keep doing… that is if you want to disconnect this sucker from your life- oh goodness I so want to this.

********

More blackberries (they were on sale this week, can’t help myself!) mixed with yogurt,

In the bowl- 2% plain Chobani sweetened with a packet of Splenda (so sue me), and several rather plump, juicy blackberries.

I also enjoyed 4 (I mean 4?! What the hell kind of small number is that?! And yet I counted them out… I’m afraid for more) chocolate-covered almonds to finish off the day…

Goodness are those things delicious, but rather difficult for me to have around, especially now that I am “trying” to cut my food intake down. Well now that I think about it, having them around is probably just bad for the disorder, so they are staying in the room!

************

So there it is- I am restricting again and while right NOW it’s not a physical problem, it certainly is a mental one and has the very strong potential to get worse. (Dare I bring that introduce that word in here again…relapse…) I am aware of it as I said before and unwilling to change or stop this habit while I don’t workout.

You know what though? That is just not allowed! Being aware is one thing, and now it’s time to be UNCOMFORTABLE while I overtake yet another roadblock in my recovery.

If I want to “get better,” really and truly, well then I must trust in body and how everything will balance out in the end- regardless of my food intake, and also trust that this is what I need to do NOW in order to recover. Although I don’t have a specific plan in mind, I do know the meticulous counting and measuring is the first one that has go to go.

Perhaps something does NOT have to give, and I won’t know until I give it a chance. Normal (for me and I will continue to seek what that actually means) intake is the new goal and one I plan on sticking to

*********

-How do you handle “roadblocks” and setbacks? Do you initially fall victim to them and then persevere? Or recognize them right away and deal with whatever stands in front of you? I am the former in this case, but need to change this around… more setbacks will be in my life, beyond this disorder.

-When you are feeling stressed, overwhelmed, upset, just generally negative… how do you deal with these emotions? Do you turn to someone, or something?

-To follow up with the above question: Are these “coping mechanisms” something that are actually helpful or do they provide a false sense of comfort?

-I have sort of an odd question to ask here as well and feel free to not answer it, did any of you umm..expect me to pull something like this in lieu of not exercising? For me, the restriction was in the back of my mind before I even committed to all of this.

-Since this is a WIAW post, any new products/food finds lately? That ONE DOLLAR cereal I bought it pretty fantastic.

-And of course, please tell me the very best thing you ate in the past week!

Thank you for reading this uber long vent/confession if you did…. it’s certainly something else I owed you all and also to myself to do. Have a great rest of your day :)

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