That phrase “out with the old and in with the new” doesn’t really work when it comes to our spiritual path. It’s more like “out with the old, in with the new, and back in with the old again.”
This weekend, old fears were coming up for me – fears that I had already “conquered” and addressed a few years ago. They were mostly around my relationship with Matty. Three years ago, Matty and I took a break. I was at a place in my life in which I really needed to be alone. I craved being by myself, being independent, and owning my femininity. I just wanted to be free to be me without having anyone to come home to…because I hadn’t totally figured out who I was yet. So, we took a break and I went out and did my thing and reconnected with my inner soul sister. When I reconnected with her, she guided me back to Matty and we’ve been together ever since.
This weekend, old fears from three years ago resurfaced – they were the same fears that made me question my relationship with Matty three years ago. “You’re tied down and trapped.” “You won’t have an independence.” “You don’t really love him. You just think you do.” All of these are crap. They’re not true. They’re different ways of saying the same thing: you are a committment phobe.
It’s true. In most of my relationships before Matty, I gave me everything-and-more to them. It was overboard. I would give and give and give and they would take and take and take. I totally allowed them too. I was not the strong woman I am today. I was weak and just wanted to be loved so badly that I would do almost anything for them, and it almost always involved me sacrificing my needs for theirs. I was so fearful of losing them that I would starve my truth to feed their needs. Through that behavior, I trained myself to fear relationships. In other words, I allowed myself to trap myself in that relationship by denying my truth. Denying my truth = trapped in relationship = fear of relationship.
So, this weekend, some funky stuff came up again. At first, I was bummed out because it is such a crappy feeling. I get a pit in the bottom of my stomach and I feel really anxious. It’s that same feeling of denying my truth – that starving of myself to feed others. But then, I realized there was a lesson to be learned. And if there wasn’t a lesson, it was just old debris that needed to be detoxed. So, I practiced my tools that I use when I notice old fears coming up:
1.) Feel It to Heal It
Marinate in whatever you’re feeling. Just be with it. It’s cool to feel bummed out or pissed off. But give yourself time to feel what you’re feeling completely. What you resist persists. So, if you don’t allow yourself to feel your feelings in their entirety, they will continue to linger like toxins in your beautiful body. In order to grow and learn from our fears, we have to be willing to feel them.
2.) Vent It or Write It
Call a friend, partner, or family member that you can trust and just get your stuff out. If you don’t feel like talking, write (or type) a letter to your fear and tell it how it’s making you feel. Word vomit on the page.
3.) Jam Out with Your Fear
If you feel fear taking over and you know it’s crazy talk, grab your iPod, put on some Florence and the Machine, and go for a walk. Music is so powerful. There is energy in that positive song and, if you allow it to, it can create a positive ripple effect throughout your entire body. I love going for a walk with my Happy Tunes playlist. It almost always re-calibrates my energy and reconnected me with my inner guide.
4.) Ask for Guidance
As you’re walking and jamming out with your fear, take an affirmation with you and repeat it to yourself. “I am willing to release my fears” or “I am willing to detox my fears” or “I am willing to learn a new lesson from my fear” are great ones. Surrender your way to the way of the Universe and allow it to work through your inner guide to show you what the next step is. If you are willing, be patient and let yourself be guided to the answer that will help to heal you. My answer was this blog post.