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walking with a ghost

Posted Jan 08 2012 8:33pm

“I was walking with a ghost. No matter which way you go, no matter which way you stay. You’re out of my mind”

Does anyone know that Tegan and Sara song? I love them. Way more than I probably have any reason to. :)



I’ve had about a million hot flashes in the past week.

It’s so freaking uncomfortable. Guhhhhhhhhh.

But more than the hot flashes, the past week has held some new challenges.

My mind has seemed like it’s not my own, not really. I’ve found myself so scatterbrained, so forgetful, so ditzy and forgetful… did I say forgetful already? I can’t remember. I’ve been so forgetful.

But more than that, I’ve been fighting this growing wave deep inside my heart. It feels like I’m using my bare hands to hold back a tsunami… But I CAN’T bring myself to let it crash. Because my conscious mind knows that there really isn’t anything wrong.

I’ve gritted my teeth and forced the stinging behind my eyes to retreat, for no other reason than I know I haven’t any reason to cry.

I’m not sad. Nothing sad is happening. I’m not lonely or disapointed. I know that the urge to cry, the feeling of sadness is being caused by the disruption to my body’s natural chemistry.

I’m beginning to long for the day when my hormones will be my own again. It is my hope that my decision to not get a second injection means that the remainder of this monthly dose will run its course and be out of my system in a few weeks.

But apparently, with Lupron, there’s no telling.

I’ve definitely managed to maintain as much of a positive attitude in the past week as is possible. That being said, I haven’t done a dedicated “this is me moving my body to increase my fitness” thing. I mean, I’ve been up, walked a lot at work, and walked some this weekend while shopping… (like when I got to my car after walking while shopping for over an hour, by leg muscles were actually twitching-whoa.) So, I guess that’s as much evidence as I could possibly need to convince me that truly, honestly, sincerely, I’ve been completely laid up for a good long while… Since before thanksgiving.

So, I plan to continue to increase my weekly walking, and before too long hopefully up the ante. For those wondering there’s no reason I couldn’t jog right now, except that it hurts the incision sites still. I have pretty intense pain at the main incision site if it gets moved too much. I’ve jogged in place a couple times, and its really painful.

Anyway, I’m still here, one step at a time, and I know that I just need to get through this period with as much patience and kindness as I can manage for myself.

© Kelsey for Kelsey Toney , 2012. | Permalink | 2 comments | Add to
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