A few weeks ago when I was home sick, I rented the Woody Allen movie, Vicky Cristina Barcelona. As I've mentioned before, I have a thing for Scarlett Johansson so I knew the movie would at least provide me with good eye candy. And Penelope Cruz is ... wow, too.
During the movie, Penelope Cruz's character says, more than once,
"Only unfulfilled love is romantic."
The line stuck with me and I've been pondering it since.
I mentioned it to my brother as we drove back to Texas last weekend and his ex-girlfriend was burning up his phone after he'd been especially vindictive. Every relationship he has been in can be qualified as "unfulfilled love".
Perhaps I, too, have lost myself in the "romance" of unfulfilled love.
How fucked up is that?
That is not real romance.
I loved this interview with Scarlett about that line in the movie. When asked if she believed that line, she said:
"No.... I think the idea that only romance would come from something that was either unrequited or unavailable is sad. Also, I think the most romantic love is seeing people who have been together for so long or have known each other for so long, like two best friends or a husband and wife who've known each other for forty or fifty years and are still so excited to see that person come home. That might be rare, but that's the most romantic kind of love, I think."
Yes, yes, Ms. Scarlett... that is exactly the sort of romantic love that I long for.
I was talking with a co-worker the other day about relationships and we both agreed that as we've gotten older, we long for ease in a relationship.
No drama. No long distance longing. No game playing. No wondering if they feel the same way you do.
I feel like the perfect partner exists for me. I can almost feel the energy of it getting closer and closer.
But the drama continues...
Soldier will be calling this week, expecting that we will be going to dinner.
I haven't spoken with him since our last conversation, when I told him that dinner was a bad idea, I was moving on, readying myself for a relationship. He was upset and still attempting to persuade me to change my mind.
I waffle when I speak with him. I always know exactly what I want until I hear his voice.
This is exactly why we shouldn't meet for dinner.
I know this. I can feel that it is an all around bad idea that will either leave me disappointed and sad... or wistful and hoping.... neither of which is good.
He is not consistent. I NEED consistency!
He is not available. I NEED availability.
I'm not even sure he is hearing me. I think he is only hearing what he wants to hear.
And so, I'm telling myself:
...don't answer the phone when he calls.
...hold firm to your decision if you do speak with him.
...if you do meet him for dinner, see him differently. And DO NOT have sex with him.
Unfortunately, my breasts are telling me that this is my week of PMS.
This is a very bad thing because during PMS week, I am emotional, depressed, lonely, overly dramatic and analytical... and could easy fall for the "unfulfilled loving romance" notion of how we started off so great and that he will be that guy again....
I certainly don't want to get wrapped up in that.
He wants me to forget about what happened in October. But if I forget that, then I have to forget all of it, even the good stuff that happened a year and a half ago....and start fresh with a new contract.
Which means I have to see him as who he is now....just a sad shell of the man he could be.
I just don't have it in me anymore to subscribe to the unfulfilled love idea. I know that I want more.
He will of course feel like I'm pressuring him to love me. I am only pressuring him to love himself. Too much pressure means something's gotta give.
Send me some strong, healthy vibes this week, if you would. I could definitely use 'em.