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Two Cups of Coffee

Posted Mar 03 2013 10:50am

Sometimes I don't know how to start writing.

So I address it and kind of give maybe too long of an intro and then finally get to what I wanted to say. Sometimes I delete the unnecessary intro and sometimes I don't.

I think today I won't.

It's Sunday morning, and my men are sleeping upstairs. I have my feet propped up and a glass of water and two mugs of coffee nearby- one black and one flavored with coconut-based french vanilla creamer.

I want to write a card to my Uncle Dave, whom I wish I could just pop in to see and listen to him sing and what he's been thinking about.

I am planning a few shared meals, there is an article I want to finish reading, emails I want to send, a shower I need to take.

Sometimes I just need (or particularly want) to come here and capture where I am right this very minute.

Because life is rich and good, but it moves fast.

If I'm not careful, I'll forget where I was. I'll forget what it was like to think and feel the way I do when I've moved on. I'll forget how to relate and where to get my gratitude from.

My husband and I attended The Justice Conference last weekend. My parents generously paid to send us on a trip in honor of our 6th anniversary while Nolan stayed with them for a couple of days, and that is what we chose. Maybe strange, but it is us, and I like that.

I get a kick out of noting how Tim and I are sort of changing together, feeding off of each other's passions for justice and beauty, challenging each other. Sometimes I can't believe we thought it was a good idea to get married before we even graduated college, but here we are, best friends that fight and love and encourage each other.

Now we have this son who amazes me every day. His presence in my life presents its challenges, of course- he is into everything these days, can't talk yet, isn't always into sleeping, and I can never just stop being a mother. But he is my little joy incarnate. He loves exploring and waving to people and making his mama laugh. I can no longer imagine my best life without him, and I am just so grateful that I get to be his mama.

Tim and I went to a foster-to-adopt orientation a few weeks ago (maybe more than that? I can't remember). We fully intend to adopt our second child, but I'll admit I'm dragging. Things are so good right now that I'm nervous to rock the boat. I'm scared about the (necessary) difficult parts. I do hope and believe that my heart will continue to change in the way that is needed to be the mama to a child to whom I did not give birth, but I think the process will be slower than I originally planned.

One of the Justice Conference lessons I am chewing on is a lifestyle of justice is a lot of tedious, boring work (and a little glamour). If I'm in, I need to be in it for the long haul. For our family, I think this includes (and extends beyond) fostering-to-adopt. I'm just...not ready to intentionally dive  into the unknown (again) yet.

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