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Thoughts from a Crossfit Virgin

Posted Mar 23 2013 10:54am

Quit talking, start doing quote

I started Crossfit this week so technically I’m not a Crossfit virgin anymore, but until I do one of the “ Benchmark Girls of Crossfit ” I don’t think my cherry has been popped.

That brings me to thought #1: If you didn’t think you were perverted before, welcome to workout world of sexual innuendos.

Snatches and Thrusters and Clean & Jerks. Lots of leg spreading, pelvis thrusting, hip popping, and half nakedness walking around.

I was told to “make love to the wall” several times. What no snuggle time brick wall? Fine be that way. Jerk.

Then I was making love to the floor after too many handstand pushups.

Coaches shouting that I need to work on my “stripper moves” and shove my ass back on squats.

My hips weren’t thrusting enough so I got schooled on how to “fuck the air” better.

Basically the goal of Crossfit is to be laid out sweaty and panting on the floor at the end. Just like sex, minus the orgasm.

Thought #2: Good lord am I competitive.

I’ve always been competitive, but never knew how to channel it. I’m mostly competitive with myself #onlychildproblems, but when it comes to fitness the inner competitor comes out in full force. It’s not that I want others to lose, I just want to be as good if not better than my opponents.

When that clock starts in Crossfit I’m in warrior mode. 3, 2, 1…oh my fucking god I better haul ass right now! But it takes the presence of others and a timer ticking away to get me in the right mindset. There is no way I would be pushing myself that hard alone. Standing next to someone who is giving it their all is total motivation.

Thought #3: Sorry step class you just got served.

Step, kick, clap, turn step, kick, knee repeater, clap clap, pony up….oh I’m sorry but I just can’t do it anymore!!

I’m here to tell ya there ain’t no step-ball-changing in Crossfit.

Step classes were the surprising kickstart to getting my body back after gaining the freshman 15+ in college. I loved the choreography, it was a mental challenge, and it was a good workout. But after several years of doing the standard gym classes I got burnout and quite frankly plain bored. In fact, I was getting more annoyed by the lady in front of me who couldn’t seem to get the step, clap, shuffle down correct that I was about to throw a shoe at her head! When you’re getting more frustrated at the gym than relieved, it’s time to switch it up.

Thought #4: I need to go shopping.

One surprising side-effect of Crossfit is the sudden urge to go shopping. Apparently I need new shoes now! And new shirts with fun slogans! And headbands, like millions and millions of headbands! And knee high socks! And hand wraps! And gobs and gobs of first aide supplies!

Yay!! I love buying new things!! Oh wait, where’d my savings all go?

So maybe I shouldn’t blow my next paycheck on all these goodies that I must have. Perhaps I should wait till I actually can get kipping pullup? Or do an oversquat without freaking out and getting weak in the knees?

Oh screw it, patience has never been my strong point. I want those Reebok Crossfit shoes now.

Thought #5: I curse. A whole fucking lot.

I was going to add &%^$*% to make this post more PG, but it ain’t happening. I’m normally sweet as pie in everyday conversation. But when you get me fired up, the shit that comes out of my mouth will make a sailor blush.

And let’s be honest, fuck is the best word to shout out when your killing it at the gym. Or want to roundhouse kick the motherfucker who created the burpee.

Thought #6: I am an athlete.

2012-06-08 16.59.40

Ok, let’s end on a serious note. The thing I love most about starting Crossfit, is the fact that I get to embody my inner athlete. I’ve always struggled to think of myself as an athlete because I never played competitive sports growing up. In fact, I’ve never played a team sport EVER. As a kid I was a fast runner, constantly on the monkey bars, picked early in dodgeball, and could climb the ropes like a champ.

But somewhere between middle and high school I lost my athletic drive. The focus was on being skinny and looking cute. It remained that way until recently .

It’s still tough for me to fully embrace this competitive warrior inside me. It’s the voice inside telling me “Yes, you are good enough, strong enough, talented enough to be standing next to these people.”

Damn straight motherfuckers.

Alright Crossfit lunatics, I wanna know what your thoughts are!

Newbies like me or those who’ve been doing it for years, what was your first week like?

What insane amounts of pain do I have to look forward to in the weeks to come?

Is Murph going to kill me?

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