My depression started the summer after my freshman year. I met a guy in my dorm who I adored. We spent a lot of time together. Long story short- I found out that he actually had a girlfriend that entire time who went to a different school. Enough said? I felt so betrayed and absolutely terrible. I would never, EVER do that to someone. I became so frustrated with myself for having invested time and energy into someone who was dishonest.
Following that school year, my summer was spent at home in Milwaukee I slugged around and was not motivated to do anything. I also gained a little bit of weight. Blame. I blamed myself for a lot that summer.
I became focused on going back to college my sophomore year and creating a fresh start for myself. However, my depression continued and so did my lack of love for my body. That year I lived in a house with 5 other girls. I've never been into partying (as you know), but they were. They were normal college girls and I was in a difficult place in my life, where normal was not an option.
I had one true friend that year, Sam. She helped me love my body and myself. I relied on her for so much. She became like my sister, who was abroad in Cape Town. She loved herself and loved the world. She kept me from slumping down into a depressive state.
Sam and I at her brother's wedding
During this time, I began understanding how much I value loyalty. I wanted to be a committed and thoughtful friend. I truly rely on having close friends who I can trust and invest time and energy into. Sam is a friend that is incredibly genuine and happy. I am so grateful to have met her and having reminded myself that having that sort of energy and grace is something worth striving for. Sadly, Sam transfered schools the next year and this is when I truly felt so alone.
to be continued...