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The Hike from Hell

Posted Jun 25 2012 9:13am

Matt and I love to hike. It’s a great way to spend quality time together outdoors while getting an amazing workout in. Living in Florida means you cannot workout outside for more than 30 minutes without fear of a heat stroke from June-September. This is exceedingly frustrating for us as we are trying to train for our first 5k and really love being outside. Thanks to the tropical disturbance the weather was supposed to be fairly mild (high of 85) and windy Sunday morning so we decided to try and get one last hike in before the Summer officially forces us into hibernation.

We got up at 5 a.m. yesterday to cook breakfast and pack our bags. We were both really excited to hit the trail and planned on trying out my new iPhone’s navigational abilities since we tend to get lost on every hike. Seriously, every.single.hike. We went hiking in blackwater a few weeks ago and thought we had done this amazing 4 hour hike only to find out we had gone in a 3 mile circle over and over.

Matt made some of his famous eggs: tri-pepper mix, sun-dried tomatoes and feta.

We left the house at 5:45 and headed to UWF. The university actually has some amazing trails to hike. A really bad (but the only one available) map of the trails can be found on their website here:

Our goal was to do the blue loop to test out the GPS system then tackle the red (a.k.a. the one we always get lost on).

We made our way to the official starting point just off the nature boardwalk and started on the trail. We noticed we were the first one’s out there since we kept walking through spiderwebs (I made Matt walk in front of me). Soon we realized that we were starting to attract mosquitoes. We’ve never had a problem with them before so we were a bit surprised and both commented on how nice it would have been to bring some bug repellent. Within a few minutes of noticing them things went downhill. What turned into a few irritating bugs became a swarm. Matt had them flying into his eyes and they kept diving bombing my mouth. We got about a mile into the trail when they started biting us all over our legs and arms. The mosquitoes were joined by horse flies and when I saw one on the back of Matts arm the size of a small bird I finally threw my hands up and told him we had to GTFO immediately. On the way out we noticed they were following us and multiple times Matt turned into the angry Hulk and we were both swatting around out faces like we were having seizures.

Once back at the car we were pretty disappointed our pleasant outdoor hiking was ruined so we decided to just walk around on campus some. I took him over to the Psych department area and we got these amazing photos:

We started back toward the car (about 1.5 miles away) and were being sickingly adorable holding hands and talking about how wonderful the morning had become when suddenly, out of nowhere, they attacked.

Horse flies started swarming around our faces and our wildly gesticulating hand gestures were no match for the angry mob. Running uphill, winded from laughing so hard you’ve peed yourself, while waving your hands around like your drunk at some shitty rock concert is no easy feat.  When we were forced to stop to catch our breath we’d realize they were still trying to eat our faces off so we’d laugh/cry and try to run again. This continued for about half a mile before we finally saw the car. At one point Matt said he was just going to lay down and let them kill him. I told him that he’d probably die of starvation first but I’d respect his wishes.

Horseflies 1

Team House-Villmer 0

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