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the dark side of the bright side

Posted Feb 05 2012 9:24pm

So, inevitably, my interest in picking apart and re-hashing the internal workings of my brainz waned, and this time, I think I know why. I’ve felt so much better. So totally-very-much better. I’m feeling more spry, and more like myself. I’ve found myself laughing more, and cuddling my cats more. I’ve found myself being dipped by my husband in the aisles of the walmart, or just our kitchen, and I’ve let those happy feelings fill in the cracks that were formed by my weird time with lupron.

I’ve been SO good with working out even though-or even when- I don’t want to. I’ve found the most incredible accountability partner in my friend, Jessica… She’s so… solid. (I know she’ll read this, so there is an element of “what would I say to Jess if she wasn’t in front of me, but instead reading over my shoulder”, but nonetheless…) Jess is an incredible woman, and an incredible friend. Honest. Direct. Joyful. Compassionate without being overly emotional (I carry that card in our friendship). And she is so good at applying pressure with LOVE. We’ve been running after work 3-4 times a week, for 3 weeks, and she knows just how to keep me honest. Whether it means giving me a STERN talking to when I carelessly forgot my workout clothes, or laughing at me when I text her ridiculous photographic evidence of my working out at home, if we’ve been unable to do it together.

I’m grateful for her. It’s been the most consistent, and most regular workout streak I’ve been on (not counting dancing/choreography for shows) in probably 2 years. I’m happy, I’m already lighter, and have already felt the sting of freshly sore-ed muscles.

The down side of all these good feelings is that, I’m already starting to get a bit fearful about what’s to come.

My hubby is the KING of telling me that I’m being ridiculous for worrying about things I can’t control, and I know that. But (TMI alert) I haven’t had a cycle again, since my lupron shot. And for those of you keeping score, after my surgery, when the next cycle started, and the pain was so intense, I was literally crying out in pain and writhing on the couch sobbing… EASILY the worst endo pain of my life (which IS normal for right after surgery) that is when I decided to take the lupron in the first place. It was that bad. So, then the lupron shot happens, I get a 45 days and counting reprieve…

But I’m SO SCARED. I’m horrified of the return of my period. Literally horrified. If I think about it for too long, I’ll get all spun up and anxious. I’m convinced that worry over the unknown return of the pain was the cause of a horrible eye twitch that lasted all of Friday morning.

So, for now, I wait. I know it’s coming, and I know I’ll survive it… but I am afraid.

I’m not sure if anyone who doesn’t have endo can understand just how painful it can be. Please, trust the women and girls in your life that tell you it isn’t just a “bad cramp”… it’s desperate pain. It’s body wracking, knee to neck, pulsing, lasting pain.

 

I’m not surprised that in the looming shadow of impending pain, is when I decide to blog again, and in the light of bright and happy days I often forget.

But I’m glad to have the outlet, and glad to know I can come back and update you all when it comes.


© Kelsey for Kelsey Toney , 2012. | Permalink | No comment | Add to del.icio.us
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