This will be brief, as it’s rounding 8:30 and ALL I want to do is go crawl into bed…
1. I stumbled upon the most remarkable thing. When I take my vitamins (A multi, a B combo, and a calcium) at night, I wake up and have a better day. I feel more energized, and I feel more balanced. I feel distinctly more capable of handling my day… even when things are tough.
I don’t know if there’s actually any science behind this, or if it is even real (placebo maybe?), but I don’t care. When I remember, I feel better the next day. So, check plus on that.
2. Tonight, when I got home, I was so crushed by fatigue. This drug has done things that I’m still, only now, discovering. My eyes are lined with baggy rings, and I’ve been riddled with feelings of despair (that I already know, and have previously discussed) and that I know are completely FALSE, and induced by these chemicals.
When I look in the mirror, it’s so strange to not see the person I recognize to be myself. Seriously, guys… the bags are so heavy, I feel like they’re pulling the skin down my face.
It makes me sad to see them.
Anyway, so, I came home, and wanted to just relax for a bit, take my mind off of everything. I tweeted some sad sack something about how horrible I’ve been feeling… and one of my friends, Julie – who doesn’t live anywhere near me, and who I’m still just getting to know, replies to ask me if there’s anything to do to make it better… And then she tells me she’s been thinking of me and has a little card to send.
That’s all it took, folks.
The days and days of forcing these baseless tears down came to a snotty end, as I lay myself down, in my bed and just wept.
It was a good weep though. I think maybe it’s not so bad to cry for no reason, as long as you know that it’s not real.
Even now, a few hours later, I still feel completely fragile.
Helpless even. In that I can’t force myself to stop feeling all of these complicated and messy feelings.
I like being in control… and I can’t control how quickly this drug will leave my system.
I’m off to get some rest, and see if I can’t undo some of these bags.