Though sexually and on the surface, I was in heaven. I was being desired by both my husband and my lover. I was learning and experimenting with sex with K. As he was my mentor at work, he was also my mentor in the bedroom. I was a very willing and eager pupil.
K and I were excelling at work. Both of us were stars in our group. We were bringing in more business and working long hours and sneaking away whenever we could to have naughty, out-of-control sex in unused offices or our cars or hotel rooms over long lunches.
My husband and I decided to buy and build a bigger home. We were making good money and enjoying our lives. We appeared to be happy and successful and content.
But inside, I was DYING.
I was so very confused. I loved my husband so much. I loved him even more now. I had compartmentalized my affair so that I was the perfect, doting, happy wife.
I was also very much in love with K. He was such a perfect partner for me. We couldn't get enough of each other. We could talk for hours sometimes, even continuing conversations during sex. We laughed. We loved. We breathed each others' breaths. It was everything I thought a relationship could be. Except that he wasn't mine and I wasn't his.
Oh the longing.... The many nights that my husband would be traveling and I'd be aching knowing that K was with his wife. K would hurt just as badly admitting jealousy of my husband. But this was the life we chose. We would not hurt our spouses. Instead and most ironically, we counseled each other on how to be better mates to our spouses.
There were so many days that I felt as if I would keel over from anxiety. I began seeing a therapist who warned me about my very risky behavior. I also began having panic attacks and subsequently began taking antidepressants.
From therapy I realized that I had never rebelled as a teenager. I was the eldest, the maternal one, the matriarch, my mother's best friend and confidante, the one who took care of my younger siblings and made sure everyone was all right.
This was my rebellion. And though my therapist shined the light on the possibility that I could lose my job, though she reminded me that K's wife still worked very closely with us, though she pointed out that either K's wife or my husband could find out and my successful life would be over, though my health was being affected, I DIDN'T CARE.
This was MINE. And I'd be damned if anyone could take it away from me.
Later that fall, K and I were both offered jobs with a different company. We accepted our new jobs and soon began traveling together on a more regular basis.