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The 7 Most Pointlessly Horrifying Plastic Surgery Procedures

Posted Jan 13 2010 7:04pm

Written By: Mike Volz

Plastic surgery has blessed us with something our forefathers never had: huge boobs on skinny girls. But science–and shallow people with extra money to throw around–were not satisfied with that miracle.  No, they continued developing plastic surgery techniques that strayed out of the realm of the vain and image-obsessed and into the land of weird.

#7.  Ear Pointing

A small wedge of the ear is removed and the remaining ear is stitched together. The result is an ear that is pointed, much like that of an elf or an owl or Spock.

Wait, why do you want to look like any of those things?

The Price?

Around $1,800.

The Side Effects

Side effect? Your ears will be pointed! The side effect is what the main effect becomes 30 years after you’ve lost all interest in the things that made you want to get pointed ears. Are you picturing it? You’re 50-years old, interviewing for a job at a car dealership? And you have fucking elf ears?

“And then your Grandpa’s pal Jerry said ‘It’ll be awesome, you’ll look just like Spock!’ And that’s why Grandpa can’t get a job today.”

People Actually Do This?

Not only do people do this, but here’s the crazy thing: Some people are born with pointed ears and, because their parents actually love their child, the problem is surgically fixed while they are still infants and immune to Lord of the Rings jokes. So in the case of ear pointing, people are spending cash to have their local tattoo and piercing artist GIVE them what amounts to a rare birth defect.


That’s right, a tattoo or piercing artist. Ear pointing is considered a “pseudo surgery,” so it’s not usually performed by doctors, but instead by “body modders” like Steve Haworth, who is generally credited with inventing the procedure. Basically, the same body-modification types who will stretch your lobes to the point that ear sex becomes feasible, will also point your ears so that ear sex also becomes a ridiculously creepy fetish.

#6.Voice Lift

We’ll warn you in advance, this sounds delightful! During a voice lift, the neck is cut open, and implants are placed in the vocal chords. Sometimes, fat is injected into the vocal chords also. One doctor even takes ground up cadaver skin and injects it into your throat!

The idea is that if your voice has become old and scratchy with the years, this will have you sounding like a young man again! You’ll look 20 years younger! On the phone!

Also, you might start speaking in the southern drawl of the deceased serial killer whose cadaver you just had injected into your neck.

The Price?

$3,500 – $7,000.

The Side Effects

Your voice could become hoarse and raspy if the procedure is not done right. That would defeat the purpose, but the risk of sounding like Tom Waits certainly wouldn’t deter us. If you could guarantee results like that, we’d be in surgery right now. But what if the doctor does the job too well? That flabby couch potato body of yours would just be all the more ridiculous if you had a voice like Fran Drescher.

People Actually Do This?

Damn straight they do. When it comes to the voice lift, the awesomely named Dr. Peak Woo makes it sound as normal as botox. And if you’re the type who thinks injecting botulism into your furrowed forehead is normal, then we suppose it is.

That article that we linked to above claims that P-Woo performs one zombie skin injecting procedure per week. And that was in 2004. Five years later, it’s a pretty safe bet that business is even more booming now. That, or the cadaver injection turned one patient into a ravenous zombie who then ate him. Pretty awesome either way.

#5. The Toe Tuck

Having your pinky toe “tucked” can involve something minor yet still absurd, like liposuction, or something more extreme, like removing the entire bone from the toe. That seems way more complex than just hacking the damn thing off, but our medical license was revoked years ago, so we could be wrong. But seriously, what happens to that toe when you take the bone out? Does it just flop around in the wind? Really, we’re asking.

So why do they do it? Brace yourselves:

It’s so fashionable narrow shoes will fit better.

We really don’t deserve to survive as a species.

The Price?

Around $2,000 per toe.

The Side Effects

Undergoing this surgery requires full anesthesia, and carries along with it a high risk of nerve damage and infection. The procedure can take anywhere from 20 minutes to two hours depending on how complicated it gets. The recovery time can range from a few weeks to a few months. But that’s the price you pay to look fierce on the catwalk (or stripper pole).

People Actually Do This?


Not only do people do it, but according to this article, sometimes it doesn’t even stop with the little toe. Some women get the procedure done if their second toe is too long. Why? Because they don’t like the way it looks.

Listen, ladies. If your guy is put off because your second toe is kind of long, you don’t get surgery, you find another guy. That dude with his foot fetish is creepy.

#4. Micropigmentation

Micropigmentation is a tattoo that replaces makeup. Anything from eye liner to eye shadow to eyebrows can be permanently painted on your mug. Finally, a tattoo you won’t live to regret! Until you do!


The Price?


The Side Effects

There aren’t really any more physical side effects than you would get with regular tattoos–remorse, humiliation, the potential for hepatitis–but there are some things to think about before you decide to have yourself permanently dolled up. The standard for beauty changes every few years, and makeup can change every day. Ladies, imagine if you had this procedure done in, say, 1984.

People Actually Do This?

Judging from the countless number of websites espousing the virtues of micropigmentation, they most certainly do. While it does have its benefits (in instances of pigmentation loss or alopecia), some of the other suggested uses are just ridiculous. Here are some prime examples from this list of The Top 10 Reasons for Micropigmentation:

Convenience: Saving up to 100 hours per year in makeup application!
No more smears!
The outdoors: It can be tough to manage makeup application if you spend a lot of time in the wilderness!
It offers the natural look!

Well now that they put it that way, we’re sold!

#3 The Tongue Patch

Much like that “Slippery When Wet” patch that you still inexplicably have sewn onto your acid washed denim jacket, the tongue patch is, well, a patch that’s sewn onto your tongue.

If you’re thinking people get these to cover the hole from an old tongue piercing, well, that’s actually quite a bit less than the real reason. No, the thing is essentially a torture device intended to force you to diet.


The patch makes eating solid food so painful that the only nourishment possible to take in is liquid. Not a horrible situation really, until you consider that the point is to lose weight and relying on Natty Light for your nourishment would spit in the face of everything you’re trying to accomplish.

The patch stays sewed onto your tongue for a month so you can shed 15-30 pounds in the most horrific manner possible this side of tape worms.

The Price?

About $1,000.

The Side Effects

After just seven days, a liquid only diet can cause hair loss, fainting, gallstones and comas. Comas! Read that again slowly if need be. This liquid diet lasts for an entire month. Your body will lose weight, but not all of the body weight lost is fat. For those who don’t know much about nutrition, the highest quality proteins available come in the form of solid food. When your body doesn’t receive the necessary protein, stuff gets real. Your body goes all John Dillinger on itself and will rob protein from wherever it can get it, usually from muscles and organ tissue.

This can lead to other bad things, not the least of which being that your body is eating its own muscle and organ tissue. Oh, and that weight you lost? Most of it will come right back when you reintroduce delicious baby back ribs into your diet.

People Actually Do This?

Eh, unlike the other stuff on the list, this one is debatable. According to this article, the tongue patch “is taking California by storm – ten people have it.” While 10 people may qualify as a good starting point for a decent sized cult, it certainly doesn’t make for a plastic surgery craze. Nevertheless, the procedure does exist. And if those skinny jeans you’re rocking right now have anything to say about it, you may want to look into it.

#2. Knee Lift

Who among us hasn’t been in the uncomfortable situation of preparing to breach the border of Boningville when, suddenly, you catch a glimpse of your mate’s floppy, shriveled knees and find that it’s enough to put you off sex forever?

Neither have we, but it must be a problem, because knee lifts really exist. It’s a simple tuck procedure where sagging skin is removed and the remaining skin is stitched back together tight to create a more “youthful” appearing knee.

The Price?

Approximately $8,000.

The Side Effects


Other than visible scarring, side effects are minimal. But unlike a tummy tuck or a breast lift, there’s nowhere to hide the scars from a knee lift. Unless you wear pants, which we rarely do.

People Actually Do This?

You know how, despite being approximately 109-years old, Demi Moore still looks pretty damn hot? That doesn’t happen by accident. It takes years and years of eating right and exercising and just generally taking good care of ones self. Oh, and also a plastic surgery budget the likes of which could finance the invasion and overthrow of a mid-level dictatorship.

What the fuck?!

In Demi Moore’s case, part of that budget was spent tightening up her unsightly knee flaps. But hey, if it meant cashing in a life of platonic family time with Bruce Willis for a fun-filled marriage with Ashton Kutcher, wouldn’t you do it too? No need to answer that, we already know you would.

#1. Prosthetic Testicles… For Your Dog

So, let’s say you’ve bought every kind of plastic surgery the medical profession has thought of, but still have cash left over. What now?

Hey, the dog has seemed a little down recently. He’s probably jealous of all the plastic surgery you’re having! Come here, Fluffy! You’re going under the knife!

But what kind of surgery would a dog want? Surely an eye lift isn’t going to do a Rottweiler any good. Oh! How about some nice fake testicles!

Yes, now a neutered animal can have solid silicone implants placed in its ball sack to replicate the look and feel of testicles. There are many different sizes to accommodate all pets; from dogs, cats, horses, bulls, monkeys, prairie dogs and even rats. Fake rat balls, you guys!

The Price?

$109 to $1,800.

The Side Effects

According to a Neuticles ad:

“Dogs neutered with NEUTICLES do not realize they have been neutered [and] do not suffer post neutering trauma.” Sounds awesome, yeah? Your pet won’t suffer any of that post-ball removal malaise that pet owners dread. What’s that? Pet owners haven’t noticed any change in their pet’s demeanor after being snipped? Well, pet owners, it’s a real condition. The people that invented Neuticles discovered it! And they won the prestigious IG Nobel Peace Prize for their work. Their website says so. Sure, the IG Nobel Peace Prize is to science what the Razzie Awards are to acting chops, but still, they won y’all!

People Actually Do This?

It is estimated in 2009 the U.S. will spend 45.4 billion dollars on their pets. There are over 100 countries in the world that don’t make that much money in a year. One of the biggest trends that has been picking up steam in the past few years is pet plastic surgery. As for Neuticles, business is going so well they actually offer pretenda-balls in several different sizes and textures. This means that there are people out there choosing prosthetic pet testicles based on which one they believe will feel better inside their pet’s sack.

We know what you’re asking: “What if I want to give my kitty cat gigantic tennis ball-sized nuts for my own amusement?” The answer is, it can’t hurt to ask!


Dr. Wegmann


Body dysmorphic disorder (BDD) is sometimes referred to as body dysmorphia or dysmorphic syndrome is a (psychological) anxiety disorder in which the affected person is excessively concerned about and preoccupied by a perceived defect in his or her physical features (body image). Depending on the individual case, BDD may either be an anxiety disorder or part of an eating disorder or both: BDD always includes a debilitating or excessive fear of judgment by others, as is seen with social anxiety, social phobia and some OCD problems.

Onset of symptoms generally occurs in adolescence or early adulthood, where most personal criticism of one's own appearance usually begins. BDD is often misunderstood to affect mostly women, but research shows that it affects men and women.

Common symptoms include:

* Obsessive thoughts about (a) perceived appearance defect(s).

* Obsessive and compulsive behaviors related to perceived appearance defect(s) (see section below).

* Major depressive disorder symptoms.

* Delusional thoughts and beliefs related to perceived appearance defect(s).

* Anxiety; possible panic attacks.

* Chronic low self-esteem.

* Feeling self-conscious in social environments; thinking that others notice and mock their perceived defect(s).

* Strong feelings of shame.

* Avoidant personality: avoiding leaving the home, or only leaving the home at certain times, for example, at night.

* Dependent personality: dependence on others, such as a partner, friend or family.

* Decreased academic performance (problems maintaining grades, problems with school/college attendance).

* Problems initiating and maintaining relationships (both intimate relationships and friendships).

* Alcohol and/or drug abuse (often an attempt to self-medicate).

* Repetitive behavior (such as constantly (and heavily) applying make-up; regularly checking appearance in mirrors.

* Note: any kind of body modification may change one's appearance. There are many types of body modification that do not include surgery/cosmetic surgery. Body modification (or related behavior) may seem compulsive, repetitive, or focused on one or more areas or features that the individual perceives to be 'defect'.

Thoughts can have a huge impact on our health. Obsession with our looks is not only unhealthy, it can lead us to make poor choices in life. This can lead to things we regret and later have to deal with.

How do you change this?

It's not easy, but the core issue at stake is self-esteem. People who alter their noses, get liposuction, use botox and the list goes on, to some extent have a dislike of who they are. Here are the six steps you can take to help your self-esteem.

First, greet others with a smile and look them directly in the eye. A smile and direct eye contact convey confidence born of self-respect. In the same way, answer the phone pleasantly whether at work or at home, and when placing a call, give your name before asking to speak to the party you want to reach. Leading with your name underscores that a person with self-respect is making the call.

Second, always show real appreciation for a gift or complement. Don't downplay or sidestep expressions of affection or honor from others. The ability to accept or receive is a universal mark of an individual with solid self-esteem.

Third, don't brag. It's almost a paradox that genuine modesty is actually part of the capacity to gracefully receive compliments. People who brag about their own exploits or demand special attention are simply trying to build themselves up in the eyes of others — and that's because they don't perceive themselves as already worthy of respect.

Fourth, don't make your problems the centerpiece of your conversation. Talk positively about your life and the progress you're trying to make. Be aware of any negative thinking, and take notice of how often you complain. When you hear yourself criticize someone — and this includes self-criticism — find a way to be helpful instead of critical.

Fifth, respond to difficult times or depressing moments by increasing your level of productive activity. When your self-esteem is being challenged, don't sit around and fall victim to "paralysis by analysis." The late Malcolm Forbes said, "Vehicles in motion use their generators to charge their own batteries. Unless you happen to be a golf cart, you can't recharge your battery when you're parked in the garage!"

Sixth, choose to see mistakes and rejections as opportunities to learn. View a failure as the conclusion of one performance, not the end of your entire career. Own up to your shortcomings, but refuse to see yourself as a failure. A failure may be something you have done — and it may even be something you'll have to do again on the way to success — but a failure is definitely not something you are.

Even if you're at a point where you're feeling very negatively about yourself, be aware that you're now ideally positioned to make rapid and dramatic improvement. A negative self-evaluation, if it's honest and insightful, takes much more courage and character than the self-delusions that underlie arrogance and conceit. I've seen the truth of this proven many times in my work with athletes. After an extremely poor performance, a team or an individual athlete often does much better the next time out, especially when the poor performance was so bad that there was simply no way to shirk responsibility for it. Disappointment, defeat, and even apparent failure are in no way permanent conditions unless we choose to make them so. On the contrary, these undeniably painful experiences can be the solid foundation on which to build future success.

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