I spent yesterday's lunch hour on my back, and not for the
good reason. I was in the classroom, kneeling down and talking to a child. When I stood up, it happened - the electric jolt through my lower back that makes me realize that no matter how much I might analyze, research, and think things through, my body will get what it wants. I was incapacitated for the second time this year, and after managing to drive home, spent the evening icing my back and contemplating how I ended up here yet again, less than four months after the previous "attack".
I thought about the circumstances surrounding my last bought with back pain. It was the end of my blessed two-week long winter break from school. I remember thinking that I only had two or three days left to complete all of the things I had planned to do over the break. I remember being stressed as I saw my last few days of freedom filling up faster than a kid who breaks out of fat camp and hitchhikes to the nearest McDonald's. And then my back froze up, and I was literally laid out for three days. I could do
nothing. It was pure mental agony, but it was also the best excuse I ever had to put aside my to-do list and
just be. I had no choice.
This time around, I found myself in the same sort of mental circumstances - planning a wedding, getting ready to leave my current job and transition into a new one, eating well and working out - all of these things were always on my mind, never giving me any reprieve. I didn't have time to breathe, let alone get all of these things done. I was unraveling fast. And now my back has frozen up, and I am literally forced to take things slow. I'm walking around the condo today like an old lady, half hunched over and shuffling my feet along the carpet.
I can't go any faster.
As much pain as I am in, this is an utter blessing. I realize more and more these days how much my head affects my heart. I don't think I am the kind of person who can have a stressful job and a stressful life. It is actually hurting me. I was thinking today about the best job I have ever had - not the most lucrative or world-changing, but my
favorite job. It was back in college, when I was a temp. I had an assignment to enter data from traffic tickets into a big statewide database. All day long, I listened to music on my headphones and transferred information from paper to computer. I didn't have to talk to anyone if I didn't want to. I didn't have to answer to anyone terribly important. I didn't have to worry about whether what I was doing was having "an impact". And I was so happy.
I'm not saying I am going to give up on teaching and hole up somewhere and be completely antisocial. The traffic ticket job is an extreme, at one pole. My current job is at the other extreme. Hopefully, my next job will be much closer to a happy medium. But I have to prepare myself for the chance that it may not be. That I may have to keep looking until I find a career that will put food on the table, and also allow me to fully enjoy the time I spend at that table.
I'll get there.
I thought about the circumstances surrounding my last bought with back pain. It was the end of my blessed two-week long winter break from school. I remember thinking that I only had two or three days left to complete all of the things I had planned to do over the break. I remember being stressed as I saw my last few days of freedom filling up faster than a kid who breaks out of fat camp and hitchhikes to the nearest McDonald's. And then my back froze up, and I was literally laid out for three days. I could do nothing. It was pure mental agony, but it was also the best excuse I ever had to put aside my to-do list and just be. I had no choice.
This time around, I found myself in the same sort of mental circumstances - planning a wedding, getting ready to leave my current job and transition into a new one, eating well and working out - all of these things were always on my mind, never giving me any reprieve. I didn't have time to breathe, let alone get all of these things done. I was unraveling fast. And now my back has frozen up, and I am literally forced to take things slow. I'm walking around the condo today like an old lady, half hunched over and shuffling my feet along the carpet.
I can't go any faster.
As much pain as I am in, this is an utter blessing. I realize more and more these days how much my head affects my heart. I don't think I am the kind of person who can have a stressful job and a stressful life. It is actually hurting me. I was thinking today about the best job I have ever had - not the most lucrative or world-changing, but my favorite job. It was back in college, when I was a temp. I had an assignment to enter data from traffic tickets into a big statewide database. All day long, I listened to music on my headphones and transferred information from paper to computer. I didn't have to talk to anyone if I didn't want to. I didn't have to answer to anyone terribly important. I didn't have to worry about whether what I was doing was having "an impact". And I was so happy.
I'm not saying I am going to give up on teaching and hole up somewhere and be completely antisocial. The traffic ticket job is an extreme, at one pole. My current job is at the other extreme. Hopefully, my next job will be much closer to a happy medium. But I have to prepare myself for the chance that it may not be. That I may have to keep looking until I find a career that will put food on the table, and also allow me to fully enjoy the time I spend at that table.
I'll get there.