Ever feel like you just needed to get something off your chest? Yeah, me too... I am very new to blogging. There are days that it seems easy and the words and ideas come to me, other days it is harder. I guess it truly is a reflection of my daily life. I have been wanting to write about the side effects of a healthy lifestyle, because there are so many and they are ALL positive! Before I can do that, I need to share something with you that is very difficult for me. I have been keeping a journal type blog on another site. It is a closed community and it feels much like I am talking to myself. I am going to share my entry from last year.
It dawned on me very early this morning that I have been the not-so-proud owner of an eating disorder for 20 years. Much like a cancer, there were years of remission but it has always been there. I wonder how my family and friends would feel, if they knew? I chose not to use the words 'suffer from' because I am not so sure that there is suffering. There is frustration, feelings of lacking control, but I guess for me, I wouldn't use the word suffering. Perhaps because it is not active in my daily life and I don't dwell on it. It never goes away and I think it is important to own it. Therefore, I am the "not-so-proud owner". I have a very dear friend that is an alcoholic. I have known this person for more than 35 years. His health has suffered greatly. He has been diagnosed with pancreatitis which will eventually kill him if he continues to drink. No one seems to understand why he just doesn't stop drinking. You know what? I don't ask. I don't ask because I know what it is like to deal with something on a day to day basis. Something that has a stronger hold on you than you have on it. We have become a society that attaches the 'addiction' label to everything. We seem to like knowing we have addictions. I think that attaching that label to things takes away some of the responsibility that we have to ourselves. How many times have you heard it now...He cheated. Why? He couldn't help it, he's a sex addict. We even have fancy words for people who work too much...workaholics! We LOVE our labels! There is a difference between making a choice to do something and not being able to help yourself. We all have those little voices in our heads. (NO, not crazy voices telling us to do stuff! LOL...) A true addiction has a voice of its own. That addiction speaks louder than the voice that tells my friend that each drop of alcohol could be the drop that kills him. Does he choose to ignore the rational voice? NO! The voice of addiction speaks loudly and has a strangle hold on him. I believe that every addict knows that what they are doing is having adverse effects on their life and their health. Our brain wants us to do well! It's in charge of keeping the body going. Because of this, we are equipped with those 'voices'. Believe it or not, we have a very rational brain and it does its best. Sadly, addictions are bullies and they muscle their way around the brain and prevent the best choices. Every person must fight their own bullies. No one can do it for you. At some point you have to stand up for yourself and decide to not allow that bully to change your life, or shorten your life. Not everyone has the strength to fight the good fight without help. But everyone must stop and listen to their inner voice that is silently screaming for them to get the help they need and live their life free of their bully...their addiction. My eating disorder is my bully. I am winning my fight. Not every day is a good day. But not every day is bad. As long as the number of good days outweighs the bad...I am winning! Everyone has the strength to win their battle, just know when it is time to call in reinforcements!
Yikes! I haven't read that since I wrote it. It's not easy to read, but I am sure that someone is reading it and understands it all too well.
This journal entry and the emotion behind it, is the reason I am where I am today. It is also why I blog about running. I feel like running has saved my life. I am pushing my body around now. It is no longer the other way around! I am in charge, but in order to make my body do all the things I am demanding of it, I have to treat it well.
I am happy to say that I am doing just that. Every battle won puts me a step closer to winning the war!