Last week, I thought I just might be pregnant. A few of you know from personal experience that this sort of thing has happened in the past. I like to do a little wishful thinking sometimes. 
But this time? This time, I wasn't completely out there with my thoughts of mommy-hood. My period was later than I remember it ever being, and there was nausea. Unmistakable nausea.
But I got it. My period, I mean. It came, and I will be honest and tell you I was disappointed. Maybe even a little crushed.
Before all that, though, I gave God my wish list- all the things I was thinking would make me happy. I handed it over, and then said, "I trust you." Not in that manipulative way that actually says, "I trust you to do what I want you to do." I meant what I said. I think somewhere I already knew what I was going to find out.
I want you to know that telling God I trust him does not come naturally to me. I want you to know that I am writing that I did so because handing things over and really trusting, putting one foot in front of the other, is something that I am learning (again? or for the first time) is vital. Because of handfuls of people and conversations, I'm looking at living as being about being fully present-a rhythm of paying attention and using my gifts to meet needs and getting filled up. In that rhythm, there is a lot I can't control.
The best thing to do in those situations I've found is trust. Admit I'm not the boss, admit that's it's a good thing I'm not the boss, continue being present, but hand everything over. And listen.
The morning I got a negative reading was Thursday. I was reminded of what I said, and I thought about it all day.
My period showed up the next day. I treated myself to an over-sized pumpkin cupcake at Foosie's .
The day after
that, I decided that, since I'm not going to be training for a delivery, it's about time to get myself in gear for this half marathon coming up in February. I opted to go with Hal Higdon's novice plan. It's flexible, it has me believing I can get ready for this race in time, and there is room for yoga. (Why have I been trying to reinvent the wheel when there are already pre-made plans out there, just waiting for me?) 
I'm excited- for the process of training for a half marathon. Also? I completely believe that, if it's not time for me to be a mama, it's certainly time for me to be someone else who is just as great as the kind of mama I want to be someday. But I'm going to need to practice paying attention, listening, and handing everything that I can't control over to someone who can.
Being
that woman is something I'm really excited about.
Last week, I thought I just might be pregnant. A few of you know from personal experience that this sort of thing has happened in the past. I like to do a little wishful thinking sometimes.
But this time? This time, I wasn't completely out there with my thoughts of mommy-hood. My period was later than I remember it ever being, and there was nausea. Unmistakable nausea.
But I got it. My period, I mean. It came, and I will be honest and tell you I was disappointed. Maybe even a little crushed.
Before all that, though, I gave God my wish list- all the things I was thinking would make me happy. I handed it over, and then said, "I trust you." Not in that manipulative way that actually says, "I trust you to do what I want you to do." I meant what I said. I think somewhere I already knew what I was going to find out.
I want you to know that telling God I trust him does not come naturally to me. I want you to know that I am writing that I did so because handing things over and really trusting, putting one foot in front of the other, is something that I am learning (again? or for the first time) is vital. Because of handfuls of people and conversations, I'm looking at living as being about being fully present-a rhythm of paying attention and using my gifts to meet needs and getting filled up. In that rhythm, there is a lot I can't control.
The best thing to do in those situations I've found is trust. Admit I'm not the boss, admit that's it's a good thing I'm not the boss, continue being present, but hand everything over. And listen.
The morning I got a negative reading was Thursday. I was reminded of what I said, and I thought about it all day.
My period showed up the next day. I treated myself to an over-sized pumpkin cupcake at Foosie's .
The day after that, I decided that, since I'm not going to be training for a delivery, it's about time to get myself in gear for this half marathon coming up in February. I opted to go with Hal Higdon's novice plan. It's flexible, it has me believing I can get ready for this race in time, and there is room for yoga. (Why have I been trying to reinvent the wheel when there are already pre-made plans out there, just waiting for me?)