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Pity Party For One…

Posted Mar 13 2009 3:18pm

I’ve been debating on whether I should write this…  I find myself is such a foreign place that I don’t know where to begin.  Typically, I would write about an experience and the insight that I got from it.  But the thing is that I’m still in the “experience” that I’m about to write.  Here it goes…

For the past few months, I’ve been reading about how the economy is turning and how people I know are greatly affected by it. I’ve heard about how people lost their 401k investments, how they lost their jobs, and how they can’t find new ones.  Needless to say… it’s not the happiest of times.

And here I am… THRIVING!!!  What I mean by this is that I’m on my way to what I felt was SUCCESS.  I have a stable job, a wonderful girlfriend, and am on my way to completing some overdue goals. And I am disgustingly unhappy.  I find that the I’ve been striving to SUCCEED, and I have lost the most valuable things that are free… my sense of purpose, self and happiness… WHAT IS GOING ON?!?!?

I have to tell you, I never thought I’d be in this position.  I feel empty, ungrateful, and b*tch all the time about what I haven’t gotten yet. And I don’t know how to turn it around. I’ve tried to compare myself to other people and say that I should be grateful, but that’s not real to me.  I’ve tried to set more fulfilling goals, and that doesn’t work.  I’ve talked with friends, and their words are appreciated… but have no effect. I don’t know what I need to do now. In the midst of my success, I feel completely lost.

And this is what people never talk about… You always hear about the start and the finish of a success story, but not about the real raw emotion that they feel along the way.  So I’m putting it out there… telling the truth about what I’m going through. I am completely lost… I feel like I have no purpose…. I can’t define what makes me happy.  Now don’t get me wrong, I love spending time with my girlfriend, friends and family. But I can’t define the happiness that is independent of these things.  I want to sustain an unconditional happiness, and share that with others.  I want to find “purpose” and meaning in what I do… And I have no excuses…

So here I am, sitting at the “pity party for one”.  I don’t know what I need to do.  I’m not asking for answers.  I’m just letting you know that if whoever is reading this is going through something similar, YOU’RE NOT ALONE!  If you feel depressed about your situation (good or bad), I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL!  If you feel lost and can’t define your meaning or purpose in life, I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL!  If you arrive at that scary place called SUCCESS and feel an empty victory, I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL!

Normally, this is the part where I provide some form of advice as to what to do now… but at this time, I have no answers. I am aware of this PITY PARTY FOR ONE that I’ve been sitting in for a very long time. I know that I have to get up and leave this table, but have no idea where to go…  I know I have the capability to create a new party, filled with excitement, joy, hope, love, and passion… where everyone would love to join and participate… But I have to leave the table….

I hope that this has not wasted anyone’s time when reading. My intent was to be truthful in what is going on and hopefully relate to others in their paths. Whoever is reading, I hope that this finds you well and hope that it has provided some form of comfort or relief knowing that you’re not alone in your struggles!  I’ve been at this for 10 years… and this came to me as a very big shock!  And I’m sure there’s more to come…


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