After spending a significant amount of years meshing your life with someone else’s and then later having to sever it, you forget what real alone time feels like. I’m not saying I regret the past in any way, far from that actually. But in the last month I’ve really begun to relearn what it means to be on my own.
I’m relishing the solitude. Sure, I’ve gone out and will continue to go out with friends and engage in random socializing, but right now my schedule is entirely my own. I wake up on weekends when I want, plan out my days (or don’t plan at all) according to my whims and go with it. The freedom can be somewhat scary at first. Indecisiveness was often dealt with by letting your other half make the decision. When it’s just you, no one is around to tell you an alternative. But eventually that becomes okay, preferred even.
Right now I am relaxing in the quiet of a cute coffee shop in Salt Lake City as part of my semi-solo vacation. I have plans to meet with a friend later on and also board together tomorrow (at Brighton!), but leading up to later I’ve been doing my own thing. I’ve had the internet for a little cushioning (and dining i
nspirations), but I never said I was going off-grid. I’ve done a fair bit of thinking, too. About my life, things I’ve put on hold or said I would get to later, stuff I want to dedicate more time to, rediscovering my passion for drawing. It’s been quite invigorating.
It’s funny how being alone can seem so scary. I know during the worse parts of any depressive episode it was terrifying. No one is there to stop your thoughts from spiraling. With time (and a little help) the whole thing doesn’t seem so bad. I guess this attitude is partly responsible for why I opt to not have roommates any time I’ve had an apartment. It reminds me of how any time my mom asks me if I am doing such and such without anyone, she retells how as a little kid I was just as happy surrounded by playmates as I was by myself at the playground or park she’d take me to. I guess it stuck with me as I’ve been smiling and filled with a sense of pleasurable calm since my flight left Philadelphia Thursday afternoon.
I think more solo vacations are definitely in my future.