Sex is fun and it makes us happy…..most of the time. But the lack of sex can make us sad, depressed, apathetic or angry. (my personal theory on the cause of road rage )
There are an estimated 40 million marriages (30% of all marriages) where the couples have sex less than 10 times a year. This is termed a “sexless marriage”. We all joke about it. I get my sex and my steak the same way….very rare. But what is really going on? And is there any hope?What is really going on?
Why would men or women lose interest in making the beast with two backs?
For women, the top reasons for having a headache are:
For men, the top reasons for faking you’re asleep are:
In a recent survey of 800 married people, 78% said they wanted more sex. So most want it, but they’re not getting any.
In order to get in bed with the enemy, you have to understand the enemy. Let’s face it…men and women think differently. This is no surprise, but sometimes we need a reminder. According to the book “Becoming Your Spouses Better Half” by Rick Johnson, it is important for the opposite sex to understand what makes males tick while females tock. The author wrote the chapters that the women should read to understand their husbands, and his wife wrote the complimentary chapters for the men. I thought the descriptions of what women think and feel were pretty accurate, and I have a feeling (based on the response I have gotten from my little “experiments” of lately) that the men’s chapter is right on as well. The Man
Now, we all know that not all men are the same. But with that in mind, there are some facts that cannot be disputed.
1. Men need sex. They don’t just want it. They need it like they need food and water. They need it for their physical, mental and emotional health. They think about it all the time.
2. Men have cycles just like women. Because of sperm production, hormonal effects and other factors, men need sex every 2 – 3 days. After men have sex, they are more relaxed and more focused on daily stuff. You may even notice that your man is less attentive to you right after sex, but by the third day……SHA-WING!
3. Men are visual creatures. They enjoy visual stimulation as foreplay, and they let their imagination drive them (hence the huge porno industry, strip clubs, you-porn, sex-cam web sites etc.) Most men said they didn’t care and didn’t notice any of their spouses imperfections. And more than seeing the woman they love naked, they prefer a sexy outfit that leaves something to the imagination.
4. Men need variety. They have short attention spans. They need things changed up a bit to stay interested. (Just watch a guy handle a TV remote control.) In about 41% of all marriages, one or the other is unfaithful and boredom is the #1 reason.
5. Men compartmentalize sex from other events in the day. That’s why men can have a huge fight with their spouse, and then a half hour later, they cannot understand why she isn’t in the mood. Men don’t see what one has to do with the other as each aspect of the day is separate.The Woman 1. Women need romance to feel loved. Romance can mean eye contact, holding hands, snuggling, words that affirm she is special, conversation, or going on walks together. Women can be fulfilled by romance without sex. (where men view romance as what he has to put up with to get sex) Because women think all men want is sex, when the man doesn’t have sex and just spends time with her, she gets the emotional fulfillment and love she needs. Here’s one for you guys to figure out: After a romantic evening, don’t initiate or suggest sex and your wife will find you sooooo sexy. (yeah, read it over a few more times) 2. Women can’t separate sex from all the other problems of the day. If things are not right with her job, the house, or the kids are sick, she won’t be able to focus on sex. Men feel if their world isn’t right, sex will make it better, and women feel if her world isn’t right, sex won’t be either. Quite the conundrum. 3. Women need time to get aroused. Women in their 20′s get aroused in the same amount of time as men, but as women age, it takes longer for them to get aroused and longer to achieve orgasm. Women get aroused more by touch than visually, and the touch usually is in the form of gentle touching and loving slow caressing paying attention to her, not what’s coming next. Most people touch, the way they want to be touched. (men go right for the va-J-J, and women stroke their man’s hair–I rest my case) All men should be required to watch the movie Don Juan deMarco with Johnny Depp. There’s a scene where he tells a woman what he would do with her if he had her alone…and none of the parts he wants to touch are covered by a bikini. Women who watch this scene say, “OK! Yes! He GETS it!” 4. Women are verbal creatures. Women need to hear words of affection, and need things like notes and phone calls, text messages etc. to let them know their man is thinking about them when they are not with him. Not because women don’t trust them, but because it is emotionally satisfying to know he thinks she is special. 5. Women have hormones. This is no surprise, but men need to understand that women’s hormones have a lot to do with her sexual feelings and attitudes. If a woman has a knife in her hand, a man needs to know where she is in her cycle to know if she’s going to make him a nice dinner or cut his throat. If it’s right before her period and she has a knife in her hand, run! Later in a woman’s life, pre-menopause and menopause set in. This means a drop in libido, and the dreaded vaginal dryness. (please read my post on a solution) Sex might be a bit more difficult, and less enjoyable, but it doesn’t mean she doesn’t want to, it may just mean she can’t. This can be misinterpreted by the man as she can’t be turned on my him. OK…now that we understand each other…
So what can we do with this information? To the women: Your man sex, and even if he’s looking at magazines and porno, he wants to have sex with you, and he doesn’t care that you need to lose 20 pounds. He wants variety and he wants to be desired by you. (and if he says he doesn’t want oral sex, he’s lying) simple solutions
To the men: Your woman needs romance, and if she’s not in the mood, talk to her to try to find out why. Try a romantic note or little gift once in a while. Tell her she’s beautiful and she looks great, and when having sex.
I can give you a legitimate list, a mile long, of reasons hubby and I don’t “get it in” as often as we used to. The latest being:
…..but I’m not about excuses, I’m about solutions. It’s work to try to find solutions sometimes, but it’s usually worth it.
We all deserve a “happy ending”. Go get yours.