I wrote last month that I would be reexamining my sexuality. The
first post I wrote was in response to a reader's comments regarding a
boundary issue between Rascal and me.
The boundary issue is precisely why I am taking a deeper look at my motivations and history with sex.In this postI will focus on
how I came into my sexuality from childhood and through my teen years.When I think back about my childhoodI don't recall many specifics or detailed situations. All that I see are snippets of time...
***
I believe that I started masturbating around the age of 8 or 9. I don't recall exactly what started it or how I discovered the pleasures of my clitoris. I only know that it felt good and I wanted to share the good feelings.
I remember talking to my sisterwho couldn't have been more than 5 or 6and instructing her on how to place her teddy bear between her legs and rub her pelvic area on it. I had my own very well used teddy bear that I kept hidden between the bed and the wall. I remember my sister being very confused about how she was supposed to feel. We didn't know it was forbidden in any way but we certainly didn't want to tell Mom or Dad about it.
We also learned by what we saw on TV. I do remember experimenting with kisses. I remember Mom walking in and catching my sister and I having a good long smooch. Momneedless to sayflipped her lid.
We didn't understand that those kisses meant something else. We didn't understand the differences in two adults loving each other and two children loving each other.
When I remember thisI can understand why it is
so confusing to Rose sometimes to see Rascal and I together.
***
My father always had a stash of PlayboyPenthouse and the occasional Hustler magazines hidden in the bathroom cabinet. I don't recall the first time I began looking at these magazines but I most definitely enjoyed them. My parents must have noticedbecause at some pointthey removed them from the bathroom and put them in a cedar chest in their bedroom.
Yep. I found them there too.
I was always fascinated by the female form. I never saw men naked (obviously) but to see the beauty of a naked woman gracing the pages of those magazines.... was extremely intriguing to this young girl. I could look at those magazines for hours andas I grew old enough to stay at home aloneI did.
When I eventually moved out at age 19I bought my own subscription to Playboy magazine and left them out on the coffee table at my apartment. I still think that magazine is brilliant.
***
When I was old enough to stay home alonemy imagination would go wild.
I would imagine that it was me who was being photographed. I would force my panties into a thong and prance around the house half naked. I would imagine men wanting to look at me. I would always end up masturbating.
***
When I was 12 or 13a boy touched my breast for the first time.
I remember the electricity of it. I remember feeling my legs go weak and my breath get heavier. I remember feeling lightheaded and thinking I might pass out.
He only touched me gentlycautiously and for a moment but I remember it like it was yesterday.
***
When I was 14I had a best friend who was a year and a day younger than me. When I think of her nowI wonder if she wasn't molested as a child. She was very sexual and I could sense it about her.
She and I shared so many secrets and dreams. We celebrated birthdays together until long after I turned 16. She made me laugh so much. We had so much fun together. We would also cry together in that dramatic way that young teen girls do. All of those things we hoped for and longed for in our lives and we never knew when or if they would happen.
Thenat nightwe would share a bed. She would spoon mewrap her arms around meslide her hands under my top and caress my breasts. It was the most comfortable feeling in the world.
***
My teenage idol was Madonna.
Need I say more?I love that she was so comfortable being herself. I love that she put her sexuality out there with pride and no regard for what others thought of her. I thought she was powerfulbeautiful and amazing.
I wanted to be powerful too. I went to a party my junior year of high school. I was quite shy and unsure how to relate to anyone - I didn't know most of the people there. So I escaped my usual way: with music.
I found Madonna's
Like a Virgin album in another roomput it on and began performing. I knew every word. I could imitate her singing. I'd studied her dance moves and could improvise my own. I lost myself in that momentthat musicthose lyricsthat feelingthat dance.
And someone saw me.
"Don't stop," he begged"You're really good."
Graduallythe whole party was in the roomwatching me perform. They all stood mesmerized at my movesmy voicemy power.
My sexuality.After that partyI was an entirely new girl - in life and at school.
***
I have to look back at these snippets of time because sexuality has always been a big part of my life.
Love Coach Rinatta asked if I was molested or
sexually abused as a young child. I told her no. This is just who I am.
Why? Why was I born such a sexual young girl? Or are all girls born this way? Perhaps this is part of our very nature? Maybe it is stifled by some parents and allowed by others.
I don't know. But I will continue to look at this historical side of myself to see if there are any clues as to why I "put it out there" sometimes when I shouldn't.
Surely there's a healthy balance somewhere.
The boundary issue is precisely why I am taking a deeper look at my motivations and history with sex.
In this postI will focus on how I came into my sexuality from childhood and through my teen years.
When I think back about my childhoodI don't recall many specifics or detailed situations. All that I see are snippets of time...
***
I believe that I started masturbating around the age of 8 or 9. I don't recall exactly what started it or how I discovered the pleasures of my clitoris. I only know that it felt good and I wanted to share the good feelings.
I remember talking to my sisterwho couldn't have been more than 5 or 6and instructing her on how to place her teddy bear between her legs and rub her pelvic area on it. I had my own very well used teddy bear that I kept hidden between the bed and the wall. I remember my sister being very confused about how she was supposed to feel. We didn't know it was forbidden in any way but we certainly didn't want to tell Mom or Dad about it.
We also learned by what we saw on TV. I do remember experimenting with kisses. I remember Mom walking in and catching my sister and I having a good long smooch. Momneedless to sayflipped her lid.
We didn't understand that those kisses meant something else. We didn't understand the differences in two adults loving each other and two children loving each other.
When I remember thisI can understand why it is so confusing to Rose sometimes to see Rascal and I together.
***
My father always had a stash of PlayboyPenthouse and the occasional Hustler magazines hidden in the bathroom cabinet. I don't recall the first time I began looking at these magazines but I most definitely enjoyed them. My parents must have noticedbecause at some pointthey removed them from the bathroom and put them in a cedar chest in their bedroom.
Yep. I found them there too.
I was always fascinated by the female form. I never saw men naked (obviously) but to see the beauty of a naked woman gracing the pages of those magazines.... was extremely intriguing to this young girl. I could look at those magazines for hours andas I grew old enough to stay at home aloneI did.
When I eventually moved out at age 19I bought my own subscription to Playboy magazine and left them out on the coffee table at my apartment. I still think that magazine is brilliant.
***
When I was old enough to stay home alonemy imagination would go wild.
I would imagine that it was me who was being photographed. I would force my panties into a thong and prance around the house half naked. I would imagine men wanting to look at me. I would always end up masturbating.
***
When I was 12 or 13a boy touched my breast for the first time.
I remember the electricity of it. I remember feeling my legs go weak and my breath get heavier. I remember feeling lightheaded and thinking I might pass out.
He only touched me gentlycautiously and for a moment but I remember it like it was yesterday.
***
When I was 14I had a best friend who was a year and a day younger than me. When I think of her nowI wonder if she wasn't molested as a child. She was very sexual and I could sense it about her.
She and I shared so many secrets and dreams. We celebrated birthdays together until long after I turned 16. She made me laugh so much. We had so much fun together. We would also cry together in that dramatic way that young teen girls do. All of those things we hoped for and longed for in our lives and we never knew when or if they would happen.
Thenat nightwe would share a bed. She would spoon mewrap her arms around meslide her hands under my top and caress my breasts. It was the most comfortable feeling in the world.
***
My teenage idol was Madonna.
Need I say more?
I love that she was so comfortable being herself. I love that she put her sexuality out there with pride and no regard for what others thought of her. I thought she was powerfulbeautiful and amazing.
I wanted to be powerful too.
I went to a party my junior year of high school. I was quite shy and unsure how to relate to anyone - I didn't know most of the people there. So I escaped my usual way: with music.
I found Madonna's Like a Virgin album in another roomput it on and began performing. I knew every word. I could imitate her singing. I'd studied her dance moves and could improvise my own. I lost myself in that momentthat musicthose lyricsthat feelingthat dance.
And someone saw me.
"Don't stop," he begged"You're really good."
Graduallythe whole party was in the roomwatching me perform. They all stood mesmerized at my movesmy voicemy power.
My sexuality.
After that partyI was an entirely new girl - in life and at school.
***
I have to look back at these snippets of time because sexuality has always been a big part of my life.
Love Coach Rinatta asked if I was molested or sexually abused as a young child. I told her no. This is just who I am.
Why? Why was I born such a sexual young girl? Or are all girls born this way? Perhaps this is part of our very nature? Maybe it is stifled by some parents and allowed by others.
I don't know. But I will continue to look at this historical side of myself to see if there are any clues as to why I "put it out there" sometimes when I shouldn't.
Surely there's a healthy balance somewhere.