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Motivated By Anger

Posted Nov 07 2011 5:01am

I’m sorry I had to say it again, I’m rather excited! Don’t be too annoyed ;)

As I mentioned in Saturday’s post , it was alumni weekend around these parts and the main shenanigans that took place was the tailgate before the football game. It’s safe to say that less than half of the crowd that was at the tailgate went to the actual game though… yeah UMASS isn’t the best haha

I went into this event with an open-mind. Basically I was going to eat what I wanted, drink (during the day!) and just let loose a bit, if these are things that could result in a feeling of happiness (that is the goal after all). Overall I had a well…both odd and fantastic time! This particular event, the weekend, and my birthday coming up did get my mind churning with thoughts however. But let me back up and talk about the tailgate and then all that truly encompasses it.

Saturday morning I woke up quite late for me, 9:15, had coffee, followed by an apple, finally fixed my blog and then headed to the gym right in time for it to open at 10. Side note- does anyone else find strange that the fitness center opens so late on the weekend? During the week it is open at precisely 5am, but then Saturday is 10 am and Sunday at noon! Other than those odd-ball hours the fitness facility is gorgeous though, so I really should not complain.

Moving on.

I rarely talk about what my actual workouts are on zee blog, so why not share one today? I started with a 15 minute warm up on the elliptical while reading Gone With The Wind, to keep myself entertained.

After my warm-up (aka making sure I burn enough calories, ugh) I completed this circuit, thank you Lindsay ! Found on her fabulous blog of course :)

Chest press on stability ball – 15 reps
Bent over row with non-working hand on stability ball – 15 reps each side
Reverse lunges holding medicine ball – 20 reps each leg
Reverse flys – 15 reps
Squat with stability ball against the wall – 15 reps
Bicep curls – 15 reps
Single-leg hamstring curls on ball – 12 reps each side
Tricep extensions – 15 reps
Deadlifts – 15 reps
Lateral shoulder raises – 15 reps

Rest for 1 minute then repeat once. This took about 25 minutes!

I was actually planning on doing a bit more after this, but then I realized enough was enough! More on exercise (addiction) issues later though… that deserves its own post.

After refueling, showering and cleaning up the room a bit, I headed down to the tailgate. Now I attended this particular event last year and it was pretty chaotic. This year however, well things were taken to a new level!

*Can I first just say how absolutely perfect the weather was this weekend? Finally lovely fall temperatures and not just for one day, but both Saturday and Sunday! Oh and the beauty is supposed to continue this week… Yes to that. :)

I met people from my cross country team last year, which basically entailed standing in the middle of a small field surrounded by hundreds of other people who were all drunk out of their minds. Not going to lie, this made for the ultimate people watching experience.

It’s hard to put into words the things I saw, so I shall just show you some pictures instead :) Things started out a bit more low key in the beginning….

And then shiattt got crazy.

Things just got progressively more chaotic as the afternoon progressed. By the time it was 3:30 and the game had started, the tailgate was starting to get broken up by the police…ahem, attempted at first! They came raging through on horses basically knocking into people that stood in their way.

These were seriously the most well trained horses I have ever seen in my life. They were not spooked by anything, even when people started throwing bottles of beer at them and the riders… a scene which absolutely enraged me. What is wrong with people sometimes?

The two officers did manage to catch one of the people that threw something at them, and he was arrested right on the scene.

It was right after this point that I left, as things were out of control and the police that were trying to break up the tailgate were rightfully pissed. Good time to get the heck out of there!

So yes, a very interesting experience to say the least... like I said, the ultimate people watching experience. Oh another incident that occurred (which I unfortunately did not get a picture of) was a guy who had the brilliant idea to run and hurl his body onto a table set up for ruit… the table collapsed instantly, he got covered in beer, the owners of the table were rather irritated. Worth it? Umm sure.

I actually did not end up drinking anything because I honestly did not feel it was necessary. Chatting and socializing with my friends, and watching others do stupid silly things, was entertainment enough. Afterwards, I was rather pooped from the entire afternoon (and workout this morning) and, after a bit of my usual banter within my own head , I decided to stay in the rest of the night.

Yes I could have gone out to some party way yonder across campus that supposedly was going to be raging. Or perhaps I might have walked downtown and attempted to squish my body into a teeny tiny bar and then wait in line for 20 minutes to get a watered down drink. Sure these things could have happened, but Beauty and the Beast was on, followed by Aladdin, and those movies combined with a bag of popcorn was so much more ideal.

Boy do I sound like a sourpuss/brat right there (I know I do), but I really just could imagine rallying again for an entire night. I would like to add that it’s not just because people were drinking and being out of their minds. That stuff does not bother me, and I am quite capable of having a fun time sans alcohol. It’s just exhausting for me to let go of my routine and my own schedule for an extended period of time.

I went to this tailgate with a very open-mind, a great workout completed, and a belly full of delicious (obviously healthy) filling food. Overall I truly had a great time, and did not think about the usual torment as much as I usually do. However, the thoughts were still there… the tendencies to avoid drinking (especially during the day) to save calories (for what?! I.don’t.kn0w)…When I began to get hungry as the day went on, I saw all of this delicious greasy food around me- burgers, hot dogs, macaroni salad, baked beans- usual bbq/tailgate food.

I could not bring myself to even have a bite to satiate the hunger. The eating disorder part of me was perfectly happy staying hungry, waiting around for the tailgate to end, so I could make my way to the dining hall to make a salad, sandwich, whatever other “safe” options. Thank goodness I brought a Luna Bar with me, otherwise I would have left even earlier.

I don’t even know for sure if I really wanted hamburger, something I haven’t had in years. It’s hard to say if I would have even enjoyed the potato chips and dip that were out. But I didn’t even give myself the chance to taste anything. My disordered brain started the day perfectly healthy, and it was going to end that way….gosh darn.

This situation frustrates me. You know what actually, it angers me.

I am upset that this mental illness, even after all of the strides in recovery I have made, has the ability to decide things at an event like this.

I am angry that I felt the absolute need to start the day with a hard-core workout.

I am angry that I didn’t’ really drink that much so I could save calories… again, for what?!

I am angry for thinking about my body and if I looked “fat” in my jeans during the day and believing others were judging me.

I am angry that I left a bit early to get some “safe” food before I fainted from hunger.

I am angry that I was thinking about food the entire time… what to eat, when to eat it, what I would have later, what’s for breakfast the next day. Constant thoughts.

I am angry that after a day that I restricted, even if it was just a bit, I ended up practically binging on a box of cereal later that night.

I am angry for feeling lazy and sluggish on my rest day yesterday, even though I know how essential they are.

I am angry because even though my birthday is tomorrow and I know I can certainly treat myself to a food of choice… I am still reluctant to… the fears linger.

I am angry at how this eating disorder continues to control me. I am angry how it has destroyed my life for so many years. I am angry that despite the strong woman I am, this mental illness has taken so much away from me.

Can you tell I am slightly pissed?

I don’t know what exactly is spurring these err raging thoughts, but something is. I shudder at how much this disorder has done to me… I sometimes just want to scream.

What helps to calm me though, is the knowledge that I have the resources, support and will-power to beat this gosh darn thing, this darkness, the bane of my existence. I choose to get better, to continue taking the very uncomfortable and difficult steps to get better. I am fighting to find myself again, the true ‘Tessa’ that is hiding underneath a depressive cloud of irrationality. I am striving to beat down every disordered voice that creeps into my mind and tells me to continue making the safe, comfy-cozy choices… but ones that lead me no where good.

Do you know why I keep on fighting? Because I don’t, WE don’t, NO ONE deserves to be plagued by such tormenting thoughts and actions.. ones that have the ability to destroy you. I am better than this, and therefore I am choosing to quell my anger by continuing to get better. Simple as that.

1) Does some kind of emotion, such as sadness, anger, even happiness, prompt you to make a change?

2) Have you ever been to a tailgate like the one I attended?!

3) What are your best tips for dealing with frustration? For me, breath in, breathe out… call mom :)

4) how was your weekend? Did you do anything of particular interest? Any new recipes/food finds/tasty treats you ate? Please share, I would love to hear :D

Thank you for bearing with me on this and have a lovely rest of your Monday!

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