exactly a year ago, I posted a status saying something to the tune of it being a year until the world ends and what I might as well do . . .
and exactly a year ago I was already shaken awake from the coma of safeness I created in my world. I wasn’t always this adventurous gal. in fact, I was kind of miserable . . . .
I cared a lot of what other people thought about me.
I worked jobs that I had to seriously psych myself up to go to everyday, not to mention working for people that had no clue how to treat employees, let alone themselves.
I was constantly worried about money and having enough.
I was constantly worried about BEING enough.
nothing was ever ‘good’ and yet nothing was ever ‘bad’ . . .
so, I never let my true self shine. I never acted like myself around everyone. I didn’t feel like I deserved something more out of life even though every fiber in my being screamed otherwise.
the day I decided to go to culinary school changed everything. it was the only time in my life I was being completely selfless. ME deciding to go follow a burning desire for no other reason except that it brought me joy just didn’t seem right. to me, going against the grain was so wrong according to the path of what we ‘should’ be doing in our lives.
but I did it anyway . . .
my experiences there skyrocketed me out of the homeostasis that was blindly killing me. the lessons and the confidence brewed up the perfect storm that hit right on my graduation day . the day where all of the numbness left my life never to return if I had anything to do with it.
I realized that I actually had everything to do with it, and so do you.
my decision to blindly move to hawaii with no direction almost a year ago was fueled by many things big and small. I can admit that today, December 21, 2012 was one of them.
im not sure what was ‘supposed’ to happen today or what is ending or what is beginning, but I can’t say that the small fear I had of everything being wiped out again did play a role in exactly what I told myself I might as well do . . . and living it up, I am . ..
as far as im concerned, every year I have on this planet will be full of what makes me and everyone else alive. the highs and lows, the good and bad.