While in Germany, being around my friend Lou Lou and her husband prompted a depth of thought that surprised me.
They reminded me of the early days of my marriage to the ex.
I am fortunate to have a very good relationship with my ex-husband, despite the hurts of ending a marriage. While we certainly have moments that re-enforce our reasons for no longer cohabitating or being matrimonially involved, there were good memories that still bring a smile to my face.
One of the funniest moments with Lou Lou and her hubby was when we were watching aManchester Unitedsoccer game in Amsterdam.
She and I had already admitted to a mutual affection for Johnny Depp. When her husband overheard us, he said something macho about how he'd promptly "kick some ass" should Johnny Depp get near his wife.
I found this amusing because every couple I know has that one person with whom they would allow their spouse an intimate evening.
"Yeah, I'm allowing her one person to be with. Me."
So as we're watching the soccer game and a beautiful creature by the name of Cristiano Ronaldo whips off his shirt in disgust during the game, Lou Lou and I both perked up in excitement.
Her hubby was none too happy (but purely laughing it off.)
But seriously folks, can you blame us?
His reaction to our interest in the two desirable, and completely unattainable, men was funny to me. Mostly because I didn't witness much jealousy in my own marriage.
Was my ex-husband's lack of jealousy a defect?
I found it endearing that Lou Lou and her husband were so attached and loving to each other.
I had an affair while married that my ex-husband never found out about. He was so not observant and trusting that he never noticed any signs. I had even kissed other men in front of him and he did not so much as blink. We considered open marriage and/or swinging on many occasions.
Still, he knew that he was my first love and my first... well, everything. He was also gone most of the time traveling on business.
Maybe that is why he was more open-minded?
Maybe that is why, when I finally admitted to my affair, he simply stated that he understood and was otherwise unmoved?
I often found myself wondering and asking my husband if he really loved me.
Would his being more protective and more jealous have proved his love to me?
Soldier was extremely jealous. Even of the ex. I knew that wouldn't work for me either. I have lots of male friends in my life.
He'd have to get over it.
Surely there's a happy medium somewhere.
Then again, I loved my ex for being so trusting of me. I never had any intention of breaking that trust. I take full responsibility for looking outside of my marriage, and myself, for fulfillment. I suppose it was attention-seeking behavior at its worst.
My ex-husband was exactly what I needed for that time in my life. And I think he knew that he was always #1 with me.
It was when he was no longer #1... but came second to my children, that our marriage began to fail.