I'm not feeling very articulate right now. Just tired... overwhelmed... frustrated... anxious.
Yesterday was good. Easter with family since it's rainy today. Kids looked beautiful. Great photos.
Mad at my brother. First he said he would help me with my girls' new Easter gift, a swingset. But then he decided to go see some friend who was dirt bike racing instead. I only found out because I called to see where he was.
I'm so tired of thinking I can lean on someone... only to find that ONCE AGAIN, I'm supposed to do everything myself. So very tired....
Then when I finally did see him yesterday, he was bugging me about getting him in touch with Soldier.
And this, after I've told him that I no longer want to be in contact with Soldier.
But my brother insisted because... he's saying he wants to join the Army.
You guys don't know my brother but he doesn't stick with anything and in fact, was kicked out of basic training (if you can believe that) back right after high school. He also makes NO decisions unless a woman's involved. He's telling me about some girl he's never met, whom he's texting through his iPhone, who says she's going to join the Army too and they can be buddies.
Then he says, because he's heard all the stories about Soldier and realized how alike they are in relation to women, "That'll be cool to be in touch with him. We can be boyz together."
Seriously? Without even considering that I don't want this man in my life right now?
So, I texted Soldier to see if he would mind contact with my brother who, at age 29, wants to join the Army. My first contact in almost 3 weeks.
He never responded.
And I can't tell if I'm pissed that he's blowing me off. Or if I'm happy because he's honoring me by not responding. But I do know that, once again, I feel sick to my stomach with every text message or phone call that has happened since.
Andthatpisses me off.
I'm supposed to be going to Europe next week for 10 days.
I'm traveling alone for the first time to Europe to visit with a friend that I met through another friend last summer. We hit it off and she insisted I come visit her when she and her husband were stationed in Germany.
I had enough airmiles to fly for free so I booked the trip months ago.
Now... I'm stressed out about it and I just might cancel it because:
I'm using the rest of my work vacation days at once. One of the guys at work has to take on some of my duties while I'm gone and he's pissed about it.
I don't want to spend too much money because I'd rather spend it on my house.
I have so much that I want to accomplish around the house and I can't get it done in one weekend.
I'd rather see the Mediterranean area of Europe than Germany. However we are discussing a trip to Amsterdam. The tulips are in bloom and they are my favorite flower.
My triathlon training will be cut short. I'll only have 3 more weeks to train before the big event.
The ex is keeping the kids for me but I can tell that it might be a bit much for him. And he'll be staying at my house. That feels just a little awkward for some reason.
I know that when I get home I'll be exhausted and I have to go right back to work again. The house mess and the work will all be waiting for me... to overwhelm me once more.
And the biggest upset of all:
My girlfriend, whom I'll be staying with, is so "over it". She's lived in Europe for a little while now and frankly... has seen it all. She just doesn't seem that excited. We'll be talking today or tomorrow on the phone.
It seems like my trip is a pain in everyone's ass.
Since I bought the tickets with airmiles, I know that I can change the dates and go another time. Or pay a fee and have my miles reinstated. At least I'm fairly certain...
I always dreamed about going to Europe with a partner, planning a general itinerary and then playing it by ear..... traveling to different cities.... doing what the locals do....
This isn't what I thought I'd be doing for my first trip and I'm just not sure. If I don't go to Europe, I will definitely go somewhere for a few days and take some days off to get house stuff done. I can't think straight with a to-do list hanging over my head.
I just don't know what to do.
And I also still feel so very sad.
There's so much more to blog about but my fingers are out of juice.