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I am a Runner

Posted Feb 12 2013 12:42pm

I am a runner, and I don’t mean in the athletic sense.

I mean that I run away from the things that scare me the most.

When my knee started to bother me, I ignored it. I was too scared that it was going to be something awful, and I chose not to deal with it. I chose to pretend it wasn’t a problem. I didn’t go to the doctor until I was harassed into going.

I’ve known for my entire life that I wanted to be a teacher, but it took years for me to work up the courage to go back to school. Why? Why would it be so hard when I knew, without a doubt, that this was what I wanted? Because it’s easier to run. Then I wouldn’t have to fail. Then I wouldn’t have to face the possibility that I wasn’t good enough.

Running away is what I do. It’s easier. It’s less risky. But I’ve been missing out on so much.

In the summer, one of my friends said she thought I was hiding from life because of the choices I was making in the relationship department. It made me angry, and I got all defensive. I listed all the reasons why that wasn’t true, and I do think the reasons were valid. But honestly? She wasn’t entirely wrong.

I’m not hiding from everything in life anymore. I’m going to school now, I’m taking control of my future, and I’m making sure I get the things I’ve always wanted.

Except for one.

As it turns out, I may not be as healed as I thought I was .

I am terrified of getting hurt again. Its ridiculous, since it’s been years and years since I’ve had my heart broken. But I’ve built a wall up around myself and I’ve spent all those years hiding behind it. I’ve used my past and school as an excuse for why I’m not putting myself out there. I say I’m too busy, but the truth is, I’m afraid. It’s easier to run away and make excuses than it is to take a chance.

I’m trying to stop running. I’ve taken some chances, and it’s really hard, but I think I’m getting better. There have been a lot of moments when I’ve wanted to run, and thought it would be easier to just keep hiding, but then I think about how much I’d be missing and I know it’s worth the risk.

At some point, you have to stop running right?

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