For those of you that don’t know my nickname in college used to be “Foot in Mouth” or “Foot” for short. Obviously the men cam running when they heard my friends shouting “Foot!” from across the bar. Nothing but class over here.
I didn’t get this enviably name for my amazing gymnast qualities of literally putting my foot in my mouth. It was more because I repeatedly said dumb stuff.
Classic Lindsey scenario:
One time I was talking to a friend about what she was up to that weekend.
She said, “I’m babysitting Rainbow Patchouli (or something only a hippy would love) on Saturday.”
I immediately started laughing and said, “Ha! What kind of name is that? Seriously what crazy mom names her baby that? Obviously she was smoking some of the good stuff during those 9 months! Hahahaha”
Blank stare. “Um Lindsey that’s my little sister’s name. Obviously my mother picked it out. And no my mom’s not on drugs.”
“Ohhhhh. Well it’s beautifully unique! I was just joking….Oh god I’m really really sorry. Can we pretend that didn’t happen? No? Ok I’m going to walk away now.”
Needless to say we didn’t become the closest of friends considering I insulted her family after only knowing her for 1 week.
I also fail to remember important birthdays.
One Christmas my uncle was asking his 4-year-old son, “Son, who’s birthday is it today?”
After overhearing this I started scanning my internal calendar of important birthdays. Oh no did I forget my cousin’s birthday? Maybe my aunt’s? No can’t be her because she’s definitely a Pisces. Or maybe it’s my godmother’s birthday and I completely flaked!! Seriously kid spit it out because I need to grab some stickers and glue to craft up a homemade card!
My adorable nephew smiles and says, “Silly Daddy. It’s Jesus’ birthday today!”
Oh Jesus Christ my Catholic school nuns are rolling in their graves.
Not to be outdone by my former self, I continue to say dumb shit now. Like confusing waterboarding and WAKEboarding in front of my fellow PhD candidates (I’m surprised they didn’t revoke my degree right then and there).
My most recent mistake came from my High School Reunion post . If you haven’t read it yet, I suggest you do. The Glamour Shot alone is worth your time.
In that post I reference a “douchebag” who invited me to a school dance and then uninvited me to the dance because he wanted to go with one of my best friends instead. True story. To a 16-year-old this was crushing to my already fragile ego. Then again, someone telling me my handwriting looked weird threw me into a tailspin, so obviously it didn’t take much.
Well apparently this referenced DB saw the blog posting on Facebook (I forgot we were friends, oops!) and read it. He felt really bad about the whole hormone-filled teenage dilemma and wrote an incredibly kind and sweet email apologizing for his douchiness back in the day.
This in turn made me feel really bad so I profusely apologized for calling him a douchebag. We were actually pretty good friends after the whole ordeal and went to several other dances together. But of course I forgot to add that crucial part into the post because let’s face it exaggerated stories are just funnier.
So here I am STILL referencing him as a douchebag because (a) it’s my favorite insult of all time, and (b) I can’t get that damn foot out of my mouth.
So here’s a squirrel carrying a shotgun. Seems appropriately random to diffuse the situation.
Someone just stop me while I’m ahead please?
Please feel free to share any foot-in-mouth stories. I promise I won’t judge!