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Fighting Curveballs of the Weekend

Posted Aug 15 2011 7:01am

Good Morning to you all!

Well this past weekend was my last full one for the summer- next Sunday I return to school for RA training… aka doom. I am not ready for summer to be over, simple as that. The life I allowed myself to live for the last three months have been well… awesome (for lack of a better term) … a 180 degree difference from the way I spent my time a year ago. Back then I was going through the motion, never truly enjoying anything, not allowing myself to flourish and possibly become the person I could be… no I was consumed by my own tormenting thoughts and obsessions around food, my weight and my body.

As this particular summer has progressed, I have branched out and tried new things that have allowed me to make memories and experience new situations. You know what I remember about last summer? Nothing good–> I was one miserable, upset bitch- mad at everyone and everything, yet not really understanding the source of my emotions. I knew I was striving to lose weight, would do pretty much anything I could to stay in control, but I still did not fully comprehend the extensive grasp this illness had over me.

Honestly, it is not until this summer that I have truly started to learn how to live once again… I am able to recognize the fact that I used to be an empty shell and now I am being filled back up (cliches- sorry about that).

Get it because it's an empty shell! ....

My personality, habits, conversation, laughter… all the things that make me…me, are slowly but surely returning. Since returning from school in May, I have steadily been healing, both mentally and physically. Pretty much every single weekend this past summer, I have done something “different,” events, places and interactions I would not have even fathomed participating a year ago.

The underlying fear was always that by doing something, anything besides my routine and carefully designed habits, I would gain weight, get “fat,” and become even more angry and upset than I already was. I couldn’t imagine feeling even worse than I already did, and my disordered brain allowed me to hold onto the sick thought that if I just lost a bit more weight, than I would FINALLY be happy. God I wish I knew then that the more weight I lost, the tighter this debilitating disease took hold of me. I was almost consumed and lost by means of my own mind, thank goodness people were there to pull me from the ledge.

This past weekend was another reminder of the progress I have made and the fact that I am finally becoming “used to” living a life that I deserve to. Nothing extraordinary occurred, but the events of these last few days further solidified the reasons I have to keep kicking my disordered eating in the butt.

And yet… I want to be honest here and speak the truth of my feelings that go along with this entire process. If I pretended that everything is constantly rainbows and butterflies and my recovery has been the simplest thing ever, rather than the most difficult obstacle I am attempting to overcome… well than I would be lying. Constantly I am battling setbacks, tests, toxic thoughts, habits, and curveballs that seem to be the “easy” way out, that if I just resorted back to my old ways, everything would be just fine, I would simply feel “better.” But I know that this reasoning is 100% incorrect.

At this point in my life, I am fairly positive that I could not go back to my old ways of “living” aka restricting, but that doesn’t mean I am not tempted to pretty darn often. Sorry for that long-winded introduction, but I want to explain that even though this weekend was fairly normal, it further solidified that this kind of life is real and the deprived way I used to survive is not and never will be. Let’s start on Friday shall we?

On Friday I had plans to see The Help with some friends, as we all thoroughly enjoyed the book when we read it last summer. But for whatever reasons, plans were changed quite last-minute and we ended up viewing Crazy, Stupid Love instead….

(err kinda bad in my opinion… Although Ryan Gosling did make the movie much more tolerable… YES PLEASE)

meaning The Help was still a necessary “to do” for the weekend. Therefore, Ma and I watched it Sunday and both thought it was great. (I mean movies are never as good as the books are, as the characters are not as developed, pieces of the plot are left out, changed, etc, but this was still an excellent interpretation of one of my favorite books).

I’m not here to review movies though. I am explaining this because I used to (meaning the darkest times of my disordered eating) HATED going to the movies… or at least I thought I did. What I am able to understand now is that I was opposed to venturing to a theater because I found it incredibly uncomfortable to be “forced” to sit down for a few hours and tolerate my obsessive, negative thoughts. The only distraction I would have is a movie, and that was not enough for me to escape from myself. not only would this occur in movies, but classes were sometimes difficult as well. A day that I was feeling upset for whatever rason, or I found the material a bit boring, my mind would automatically flow back to eating disorder thoughts.

I realize now that a normal thing such as viewing a movie in the theaters was not enough of a distraction and I would feel overwhelmed by my all too familiar feelings of gaining weight, eating too much, not exercising enough...blah blah blah. When I was home last summer, I would be on the computer, while watching TV, with a magazine open beside me… anything and everything to try and occupy and diminish my racing thoughts about food and my body. Little did I understand at the time that if I just ATE the food my body so desperately needed, I wouldn’t dwell so much on what I was missing. On the rare times I would go the movies, I would of course bring my own snacks and meals but spend literally the whole movie contemplating when to eat what I brought, or even if I really should.

The film would end and I could barely told you what had happened, I was too corrupted by the shouts of my own mind. I am such a better place now and actually wanted to go to the movies. I was somewhat nervous before and packed about 5 more snacks than I needed (I like options) but I watched both movies, paid attention the whole time, ate when I was hungry and could actually report my review. When I step back and reflect on this, I actually get pretty angry when I realize how much my disordered eating has taken away from me… I mean I couldn’t tolerate going to something as simple and normal as the movies!!

Moving onto Saturday night, I was invited by a few friends to go into Boston with them for the night. This entire summer, I have been claiming that I am going out in Boston for at least one night, I just want to dance!! ;-) But of course I have never done it… I would chicken out last minute… the opportunity might arise and then I make up an excuse or straight up lie - too much money (true but I saved up :) ), have to get up early the next morning, have other plans for the night, babysitting last minute… whatever, I would lie.

Going out constantly is not my thing, but on occasion, it very much is :D Before disordered eating took over my life, I was a much more “fun” person up for anything, new locations, going out, dancing, adventures… but I began to live a sheltered existence, consumed by my own toxic thoughts, the main fears of being out of my comfort zone and of course the inevitable weight gain= doom. Saturday night though, I made the decision to try to live it up for my last weekend before returning and it was great!

 

Crowded, sweaty dancing to current pop songs= a must for me every so often :)

Like I said, great night! HOWEVER I almost ruined it for myself before it even begun. I was picking out an outfit and in inevitable situation occurred…that whole thing that when you gain weight, some clothes just aren’t going to fit. I was hit full on in the face with this reality while getting dressed that night. A few months ago, I talked about how a particularly tiny pair of jeans no longer fit and how I dealt with this…well it happened again, but this time with a pair that were loose on me not too long ago and this almost sent me spiraling down into a dark place.

I tried on Express jeans that I bought last summer- a rather cute pair (if I do say so myself) with a great pattern and ones I love. I wasn’t expecting them to fit any differently so I’m sure you can guess what happened next… err they were a bit too tight–> solid evidence that additional pounds are back on my body.

To put it nice and simply, I was upset. It was at this moment that i had two choices: 1) throw the jeans to the floor, take off my makeup, lie to my friends that something came up and I could no longer go, don’t eat anything else the rest of the night, and wake up the next morning to run a few extra miles…. OR 2) Realize I bought these jeans when I was too damn thin, they are a size 2, I am not and never should be, and understand the fact that these pants don’t fit is one heck of a POSITIVE thing.

Yes, I chose the latter. With the help of my mom’s rational advice that these jeans should never have fit and reminding me of how unhealthy I was last year, I got my butt into a different outfit that I looked fine in and most importantly, I was confident. Sure, I could have worn the jeans anyway and been slightly uncomfortable with the constant reminder that they were a bit too small… But you know what? I have quite enough obstacles in my way of recovery, I don’t need another one thank-you-very-much.

Yesterday morning, I did something quite unusual (at least for me!)…. I actually chose to swim for an activity, even though I broke up with swimming a few years ago ;-) However, this post has gone on quiteee long enough and I want to talk about Sunday’s events tomorrow! Here is a preview of what I did though…

Trying to be pensive?

Hehe :D

I know I have been talking about gaining weight a whole lot lately…and it’s because I need to. The pounds are really and truly back on my body and I am taking notice. Truthfully, it is bothering me. Despite making a goal to stop those terrible body checks, I continue to reach and grab at the bit of “extra” that I now have… I feel incredibly compelled to keep “making sure” it is not too much fat, muscle, skin, whatever, and that I am satill able to tolerate what is there.

The rational and irrational sides of my brain are certainly bumping heads on this matter. I know a huge piece of this that scares the hell of out of me is that while I am attempting to gain more weight as it’s healthy to, I am simultaneously trying to lose the weight. Hmm these seem just a bit contradicting don’t you think? However, by logically understanding the reasons and necessities behind the weight gain- that I am providing a chance for myself to simply get better, well the process becomes more tolerable. And then that rather important fact that I am finally living a life where I don’t hate the world and myself constantly.

If you have read my ramblings to this point, thank you… sometimes I can’t believe the tangents I can go on when I start talking about all of this.

I truly hope that everyone had an enjoyable weekend whatever that entailed for yoursleves :)

Please tell me what you did!

Also, did you see any movies this weekend? Any recommendations? I am always looking for new and worthwhile flicks!

How do you feel the need to distract yourself like I do sometimes? Or have trouble with really simple, normal activities such as sitting down and watching a movie/TV?! If you think I am nuts, don’t answer this question haha.

Do you sometimes just need to dance!? ;-)

Enjoy the rest of your day!

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