Dysfunctional

Did any of you see this movie or read the book 9 1/2 Weeks?









If you recall the ending (actually the movie and the book each ended differently)... then you have some idea of how I'm feeling right now.

I thought I'd keep the blog fun by sharing an experience I had last weekend with Soldier. Maybe its too much for some readers but its me. And trust me, its a lot lighter than the real feelings I am facing right now.

I feel so completely messed up like Elizabeth felt in the movie/book. He crawled completely under my skin. He's still inside me and I can't shake him...

How do I feel normal again after the complete mind-fuck of being with such a powerful sexual personality??? I mean, I'M sexual but he brought out even more of that in me. I too feel that I don't truly know what his life was like. He didn't want to share any of the Army stuff with me...

I feel like a mistress.

I have had an affair with a married man. I've admitted it before. I remember the longing... the wanting to be together. The difference was that I was married too. I had no plans to leave my husband and he had no plans to leave his wife. We were VERY honest about expectations. It didn't make it hurt any less.

Soldier's wife is the Army.

Again, I had no expectations about him leaving his "wife". She has made him who he is today. But she has also made him into a very angry man. Or at least, that is how he reacts to her. He resents how much she pulls the very life from him. He resents how he has always longed for a true love, healing relationship but she won't let him go and... he doesn't seem to know how to leave. So he continually denies himself what he truly wants for fear that he doesn't deserve it. Besides, no woman has stayed as true and as long as the Army has.

As per the norm, I am suffering a post-heartbreak sinus infection and I've been in bed all day. My head hurts. I can't think straight. I am not me in this skin right now. I just ache and I feel like I want a good hard fuck. But not from anyone but him. I just want to cry and fuck.

Obviously, I can't make any decisions, be a good friend or especially be present with my children (thankfully their dad will have them tonight). My girls sense it. They always feel what I'm feeling. They've been overly emotional too lately. It feels like divorce all over again.

So, you guys decide....

Do you want to continue this AGONY with me or do you want me to continue the story about the fun, sexy time I had at a strip club last weekend?

I'm letting you drive the post I put up tonight.

Help me.