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Domestic Violence: See the Evil, Hear the Evil Speak (against) the Evil (Part I)

Posted Dec 20 2008 7:26pm

I just want to let you know that this is NOT a Random Thought. This has been in my mind for a long time but deep down, within the darkest recesses of my brain. Now that it has come to the forefront, I need you to know that this is my experience. It's not a matter of whether you agree or not. If you see or have seen this pattern, please do not be afraid to say so. If you have not seen this pattern or see a totally different one, speak on that as well. There are going to be many sides to this and I'm willing to be open so that I have a better understanding of what I need to do to make a difference for the those involved in Domestic Violence situations- men, women, and children.


There are a lot of people in my life that are affected by domestic violence. Either they are the perpetrators, the victims, or the products of this environment (or all three at once). Although past situations have left me in a state of shock, anger, or denial, I have now come to realize that I have to do something to help people get out of this. I cannot allow anymore children to be a product of domestic violence, like I was.

So to start this off, I would like to talk about the pattern that I usually see in men that leads to physical abuse. I will put this in order according to my experience. For many others, these things may happen but the order is different or the impact of the step is not as strong as others. For some, these "stages" may not occur at all.

One more disclaimer I would like to put out there is that I am not a doctor or psychologist. I'm not a psychoanalyst or anything like that. I am a holistic health counselor who has a lot of common sense and has seen too many of these situations NOT to know how it works, starting with my dad.

Let me know if you agree, disagree, or don't care:


affection

Couple Hugging at Nightclub
Every human being craves affection. I don't care how old or young you are. According to wikipedia, affection means:
a "disposition or state of mind or body" [1] that is often associated with a feeling or type of love, amounting to more than goodwill or friendship. It has given rise to a number of branches of meaning concerning: emotion (popularly: love, devotion etc)...
Affection can be shown in various ways, depending on the person. Most women want affectionate men in their lives. They want a man who will hold their hand in public or send flowers to their job. Some women would settle for a man who picks them up from work everyday to come home to a nice meal, etc.

There is nothing wrong with a little bit of affection. However, always be mindful of too much affection. A man telling you that he loves you every second of the day. A man telling you that he can't live without you every second of the day. How about this man not only picking you up when you get off work but the same man going everywhere you go!

It seems nice at first. You're gushing to your girlfriends about how attentive he is to your needs. With time, when you're with an abuser, this will shift.

One day, you want to go out with your girlfriends. This automatically means that your man can't come. At first, he seems ok with it. So you go out and have a great time. You come home and your man seems happy but now those bubble baths you used to get everyday after work has decreased. Another example is one day, you have to work late so your man won't be able to pick you up at the usual time. He says nothing but makes you feel guilty when you go home.

As the small shifts occur and you dismiss them, you start to deny the larger shifts as well. When you walk down the street with your man, holding hands, his grip gets tighter everytime a man (or a pretty woman) passes by. If a man walks by and smiles at you, all of a sudden, your man is going crazy - yelling and having an attitude. You start talking to your girlfriend for too long on the phone and it's a problem.

This is where affection shifts to possessiveness. You are no longer his "woman" but his property and he can do no wrong in taking care of said property.


control
Businessman's Wrists Bound with Rope

Now that you are this man's "property" and possessiveness has taken over, it's time for him to attempt control of every aspect of your life. From what you wear to who you speak to on the phone, you are now under constant surveillance. He tells you that he loves you and is looking out for your best interests. He tells you that he wants you to have the right people in your life.

Next thing you know, you are no longer speaking to your mother because you told him that your mom no longer approves. No more girlfriends for you either. It's a good thing you can still speak to co-workers (only because your man isn't around) but no hanging out after work for you.

Soon you are going to live in a prison. By the time you figure this out, you either can't get out or you don't want to. It's times like these that control gives love a bad name. It's not love that causes these men to imprison you. It's insecurity and fear - on maybe everything and anything, based on his environment, past experiences, or some deep seated secret he maybe hiding. Your man would never admit to this so here the cycle continues.

It is at this point when a woman first starts to feel that something is wrong. It is also usually at this point when the woman would start making excuses for her man, especially if the memories of affection are still fresh (although I do know that there are times when a woman would start making excuses for her man even before this stage occurs). She may say something to their boyfriend/spouse and he may calm down - for a short time. But then put on a nice dress that comes above the knee or let him find out that you've been texting your girlfriend that he doesn't want you to see. Then the real fun begins.

I'm going to leave it here...but only for a short time. Next time, I will talk about the last two stages - emotional/verbal abuse (mindgames) and domestic (physical) violence. Thank you for reading my blog. Please comment or send an email to drea@dorightforyourself.org if you have anything you wish to share.

Until next time... stay strong, stay healthy, and fight dis-ease!  
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