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Disappointment

Posted Oct 20 2011 9:31am

As many of you know, Monday was my first day at my new job. I had a great time. I was so impressed by the training program and the welcoming attitude of my coworkers and the friendly environment. I left feeling blessed and happy.

Then Tuesday came and everything went wrong. For no reason I started to get that same rapid heart beat and feeling as though I couldn’t get any air into my lungs. I immediately begin breathing in and out through my nose which has helped me in the past but I couldn’t escape the feeling that the world was closing in around me – Welcome to Panic Attack City. Of course the biggest problem with this is not that one panic attack happened but that I know have an overwhelming fear of the inevitability of another and then another panic attack in that environment.

I’m not going to talk about the specifics of what this means for my job at this point because honestly I don’t know. I’m experiencing a lot of frustration, anger, sadness, dissappointment, confusion, feeling like a failure for the upteenth time, etc..

I really thought that I had a good handle on what had caused my high level anxiety in the past but clearly my health care providers and I missed the mark. I know that I’m not all the way back at square 1 again but it sure feels like it.

Just wanted to give you an update as many of you have been so kind to check in how my first week is going. I’m sorry that I don’t have better news.

I love saturdays newburyport harbor sunset

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