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Dating in the Age of Cheaters and Train Wrecks

Posted Oct 16 2012 11:41am


Last week when I went on a date with the guy who was still married, lived with his wife but filing for divorce and had a 2yr old son… he told me he only talks to incredibly hot women because why not. He picked up a phone call from his wife in the middle of our meal and excused himself. Then he told me he would never date a woman with a kid. Says the man with more baggage than an airport….

Most men in my age bracket are refusing to settle for anything less than perfect (in their eyes). But there are a couple of women that guys fall head over heels for. The train wrecks: The ones whose purses are always rattling with 5 bottles of prescription pills. The obsessively dependent ones who have the ability to make a seemingly normal guys sick with power by now becoming center of the universe of these girls lives. The booze hounds. I guess that is our equivalent to dating an asshole. Every train wreck I’ve met, is always in a relationship. Low standards for lower standards.

Then there are the girls that are just simply simple: There is no fuss. Just easy breezy girls. Nothing to write home about girls. They get snatched up like Pokemon. And these girls pull in some seriously hot tail. I’ve tried to hold conversations with these women, and I would rather eat paint chips. Maybe they’re just really easy to cheat on… we will get into that in a minute.

Then there is this fantastic group of single women. The ones that scare all the men away. The ones with an education, houses, cars, full well rounded lives. Girls who love to travel. Who love to dance. Who love to do martial arts and be healthy. The girls who could cook circles around your mother. The girls who have never been married and who don’t have kids. The girls who grew up with good families. These girls scare the pants off most men. We are intimidating and men do not want to deal with us. I get it, some men want to feel like they are needed. And up until now, these women never needed any man. And that is our fatal flaw. Basically… we’re screwed.

I have the most beautiful single girlfriends in the world. I’m not just saying that because they are my friends, I’m legitimately serious about how stunning these women are. And they are so interesting! You sit down with them for an hour and you are hitting yourself on the head wondering why they are having such a hard time finding a man.  One of my girlfriends just came back from studying reindeer habitats. I have friends that are real life scientists, doctors, professional athletes, musicians, dancers and educators. Another good friend of mine is such an incredibly talented artist who teaches children and just bought her own home. No luck dating.

So, are we still stuck in our cliched gender roles? Definitely. Some men find successful women intimidating and more often than not, our success highlights their short comings (or at least that’s how they feel, I’ve asked). In any healthy relationship, both partners just want to feel wanted and needed, but we aren’t able to prove to them we want/need them because we barely can get the chance.  Every first date I’ve been on has been worse than the last. The second they hear ‘martial arts’ or ‘masters degree’ or ‘i love my job’ I can immediately see them checking out.

So what exactly am I supposed to do? Should I be crazier and start picking out names for our kids after the first beer? Should I sit there and be quiet and not say a word, just smile, bat my eyelashes and giggle? Should I start lying about all the things I’ve done, “Oh man… Europe, never been. Is that near Paris?”

No. That’s just not going to happen. I do the things I do because it makes me happy, confident, gives me experience and hopefully gives my potential partner the ability to see that I can hold my own, or even us, if I had to. But it does not translate well in the dating world. 

“Find a man who is at your level!” you say? Ha… let me tell you about that.

The other side of the coin. I have dated quite a few men who got their shit together. Well educated. Great job. Athletic. Homeowner. Great family. Loves adventure. And so very very married…..

The Cheaters. Those are what my age bracket [29-39] of women get. I have never ever ever met so many unfaithful assholes in my life as entering this round of singledom. I usually don’t know they’re married until a couple dates in. I get approached at the bar constantly by men wearing their rings offering to buy me a drink. Just ‘looking for a good time’. And their wives or girlfriends, are the Train Wrecks and the Simply Simple girls. You keep the girl who strokes your ego at home, and you hunt for the real prize winning game out at night. You’re F$#*ing disgusting. There is nothing about me that says harlot. If I gotta play in the game, I’m gonna play by the rules. Which means, not messing with another woman’s man. I mean, not all women play by that game and shame on you, whore. 

And the worst part is, I’m not even having any fun. It mostly just stresses me out. I’m in no rush to settle down, but I’d like to meet some great people. That isn’t really happening. So, what I’ve seen happening in the dating world is the recycling of exes. While oh-so-tempting, sometimes it’s better to just say no. But time and time again, the frustration is too overwhelming and you realize the devil you know is better than the one you don’t. Hey, sometimes it works out and that is great for you. Most of the time it doesn’t and you’re left in worse shape because you thought your old ‘sure thing’ was…. a sure thing.

Also, getting past the first date is damn near impossible. I am perfectly comfortable admitting when we just don’t have a connection, but what drives me insane is when the guy asks me out for a second date while still on the first, makes legitimate plans to hang out on a certain day… and I never ever hear from them again. What exactly am I doing wrong? This has turned into a social experiment over the last few months. I have changed a few variables here and there and the outcome is always the same. 

So what are my options now?

- Enjoy being single and having the freedom to do whatever I want and let the cynicism and pessimism wash over me
- Be the other woman
- Lower my standards and be bored to tears, ultimately hurting someone else’s feelings
- Continue scaring off men with low self esteem
- Be less awesome
- Get 100 cats and join Wine of the Month club

Doesn’t matter I guess, I don’t have time to date. I have helicopter flying lessons on Thursday, Mediterranean cooking class on Friday. Calf wrangling on Saturday. I’m taking the bar exam next Tuesday. Leading a protest in DC next weekend. Having a baby on Sunday. My band is going on tour the following week and then I have to go name that new planet I found… who has time for a boyfriend? 

I’m doing what every single girl my age should do. I got a cat. I got a 2nd job. I got my laptop and an endless supply of wine. Don’t be the other woman, don’t risk yourself with the cheaters. Spend a ridiculous amount of time on  and take care of you with all the goodies you need.  Do you. Literally… (haha, see what I did there?)

(please enjoy this post just as incredibly satirically as I intended)


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