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Dangerous Fashions and Orthopedic Surgeons

Posted Aug 04 2009 6:44pm

Orthopedic surgeons are slowly destroying the health of millions of people around the world. And not because they have very sharp scalpels or are bad surgeons. No, it’s because they are behind the horrendous fashions that plague our society.

Now, bear with me on this!

I came to this realization as I walked down the street and saw two young men. They both wore the standard hip hop uniform of extra large t-shirt and saggy-baggy jeans. As they walked towards me, and walked is perhaps not the word I’m looking for here, shuffled crab-like would be a more accurate description because the jeans were so large they were in constant danger of slipping off so the only way to keep them on was for the men to either walk with their legs splayed so far apart that the only way to move forward was to swing each leg out sideways in an exaggerated crab-like motion, or they had to reach down and grab the crotch of their trousers with one hand and hold it up manually.

They looked, in a word, ridiculous. But then most fashions for the young look ridiculous. I remember when I was a lad that bell bottoms were very popular and let’s face it, unless you were plagued with elephantiasis of the ankles you really didn’t need trousers that flared so outrageously. And yet we wore them. And we thought we looked cool. And our parents thought we looked ridiculous. And now I have to agree with them.

We also wore platform shoes. And they really looked ridiculous. Imagine trying to walk down the High Street perched on top of three or four inches of cork. That’s pretty much what we did. And many people lost their balance and fell over, injuring themselves in the process.

And that’s where my theory about orthopedic surgeons comes in. See, I told you I had a point!

Who would invent fashions and spend that much money promoting unless there was something in it for them. Now, I know you probably think that the fashionistas in Milan or Paris or London or New York are creating these and making money from sales. I used to think that. But that’s because that’s what those perfidious orthopedic surgeons want you to think.

I came to the conclusion that an international cabal of surgeons are spending vast amounts of money studying the human body and then coming up with fashions that are designed, over time, to cause you to twist/sprain/strain multiple parts of your body.

Now, I’m not talking about what happens if you wear a pair of 4 inch Jimmy Choo shoes one time. But wear them time after time year after year and the impact on your ankles, knees and back begin to accumulate. Sooner or later something is going to wear out.

Same goes for the big baggy ass-saggy jeans. If you have to walk like a crab simply to keep them on, over time that’s putting weird and unnatural strains on your knees and ankles and hips. Or even if you prefer the ‘holding them up with your hand’ technique of keeping them on that means you are walking around with one hand held low in front of your body. Humans haven’t gone around like that for millions of years, our bodies just aren’t used to it anymore.

Guess who gets to repair the damage those fashions cause. Right. Orthopedic surgeons. They don’t get you today, or tomorrow. But sooner or later, when you fall off those shoes, when the strain of keeping those trousers up hits you, when the incessant dieting to fit into that size zero little black dress finally catches up with your mineral-deficient bones, they’ll get you. You’ll walk into their office and their assistants will look at your outfit and smile knowingly and think to themselves ‘cha ching’.

Think about it, how many tremendously fashionable orthopedic surgeons do you know or have heard of? Exactly. They aren’t going to swallow their own poison.

Now, I’m not suggesting that we all spend the rest of our lives walking around in Dockers and Crocs or flip flops – though that seems to be what some misguided souls seem to think is the only alternative – but we need to be aware that while we may not be what we wear, what we wear may well be wearing us out.

Like for real, man.  I mean Totally!

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