Last year was one of the worst and best years of my life.
The worst: Things at home were awful. My parents were constantly fighting and there was a lot of stuff going on in my house that teared my heart apart. Two years before I was born, my mom and dad had a baby girl named Katie. She died three days after she was born due to heart failure. All I wanted during the tough times at home was my sister. I wanted someone who could directly relate to what I was going through. Outside of my home life, I was a mess inside. It was blatantly clear to me that nutrition was not my passion. I knew that I had so much to give and so much talent to offer to the world but I didn’t know what the eff to do about it. The girl I was portraying on my blog was so not who I felt like inside.
The best: I hit a deep bottom and made the decision to dig myself out of it.
I felt out of control. So out of control. I’d lost faith in any sort of Higher Power and so I lost faith in myself. So, I binged. A lot. When night time came around and I was alone in my dorm room with my thoughts of how miserable I was, I would just eat. I’d never binged before and it was so crazy to me because, after being free from anorexia for two years, I couldn’t believe that I’d re-created my ED in another way. I was so ashamed.
As things in my family life got worse and I still had no clue what to do with my life, the night binging continued. And the shame continued. It was an endless cycle and I was so exhausted. I’d lost any ounce of inspiration and creativity inside of me. Nothing excited me. My family was quickly being torn apart and I just didn’t know how to deal with it. After quite a few months of off-and-on binging, I hit my knees and sobbed. I remember the night so clearly. It was late August and I’d just taken Bikram yoga with my friend Jenn. I sobbed the entire way home. I sobbed when I walked in my door. I sobbed as I opened the cabinet to grab the giant bag of popcorn. As I felt the bag crinkle in my hands, something stopped me. I wasn’t hungry. I was running on empty and thought food would be the thing to fill me up. I threw the bag back into the cabinet, went into my basement, and hit my knees. I prayed to Life, asking for help and praying for a road to happiness. Then, I went to bed. Binge free.
The next morning, I woke up emotionally hungover and decided to hit my yoga mat. I was doing a Tara Stiles yoga video on YouTube and, when I finished it, saw a recommended video on the right-hand side called “MAY CAUSE MIRACLES.” Tara was being interview by some chick named Gabrielle Bernstein. “I need a miracle,” I thought. So, I clicked the video and watched it. Something shifted inside of me. A voice deep inside of my heart said, “This is it. You need this right now.” So, I purchased Spirit Junkie and then I embarked on a serious spiritual path.
I’ve been binge-free for three months. And I’m never going back, because I love myself too much to do it. When I hit my knees, I made a promise to myself to commit to a life of self-love. And if I can love myself, I can help others love themselves. Now, I’m doing everything I’ve always wanted to do that I never thought that I could. I’m bringing passion to everything I do. I’m letting go of the need to control things. That has been the number one thing that has impacted my life in the past seven months. Because I’ve found that when I set my intention, let go of how I think things should go, and allow the Universe to guide me (through people and situations), it’s a plan far better than what I could have logically thought through on my own. It’s freedom.
In the past seven months, despite the pain of my parents’ divorce and the slippery slope of getting ahold of my past binging problem, I have freed myself from chains of perfectionism. And in doing so, I’ve opened myself up to receive so many miracles, and in so many different forms.
Every day, I make a moment-by-moment decision to choose to love myself. I stop and allow myself to be IN my body…this beautiful vessel through which I express love to others. If you want to change, you have to accept yourself as you are right now. We think that we need to learn how to love ourselves but, really, we have to un-learn how afraid we are of becoming who we really are. That requires courage and the willingness to be vulnerable. So, here I am. Hands shaking, eyes welled with tears. But it’s so liberating at the same time. Because I know that I’M FREE! I feel fearless and free. I’m in the hands of the Universe, and when I’m in the hands of the Universe, as long as I am clear about my intention and continue to work hard, I can’t fail. And, if you choose to put yourself in the hands of the Universe, stay clear, and work hard, you can’t fail either.