I'm sitting here with a cup of coffee while Nolan naps. There are maybe a thousand other things I could be doing, but I think I just need to sit down with this coffee and pour my heart out a bit. You know, like I might if you and I were curled up in some cozy coffee shop with steaming cups, good childcare, and some free time.
My heart is just...heavy. But not in a bad way.
We are moving closer to adopting. I am looking for a job that will help to pay to bring my baby (who might not actually be a baby, I don't know) home while still having the flexibility to nurture him or her into feeling like they are home. It's a challenge, but I'm trying.
I read this post this morning. It's about a family's visit to an orphanage. Because pictures aren't allowed, the author paints a picture with her words. Those words just kind of sit inside like a rock, weighing me down.
I lifted Nolan from his crib soon after; I couldn't help but think about how he'll be as a big brother...and be excited.
Motherhood has changed me in more ways that I even considered.
I'm going to tell you something, and I think you might think I'm crazy. I think this because I really didn't understand these thoughts before I had them myself, but...thinking about calves being taken away from their mothers so the moms can be milked to make me cheese and yogurt is breaking my heart lately.
I went vegetarian a few years ago (then stopped, started again, stopped...), but even then, it had nothing to do with the animals. I did not really care about the animals.
I don't know if it's because I have my own baby (who's not a baby anymore) or something else, but I do care now.
The whole motherless babies thing is killing me right now.
I just want to snuggle all of them or know that someone else is doing that. I want them to feel and be loved. I don't want them to feel abandoned or betrayed or hopeless.
I want them to know what it feels like to melt into the arms of a person who really, truly loves them and will hold them as long as they need.
If you're interested, here are some great adoption-related blogs I read