I am 10 days out from seeing my soldier. I can breathe a little easier because I do know that his feet are on American soil now. His first stop - Kona, Hawaii for the
Ironman World Championship Triathlon.
He is not competing this time since he has not been training. He does know a few competitors and will be volunteering. He lived in Hawaii for several years and has many friends there as well. I am thankful for this vacation as he certainly has some decompressing to do before he gets to me.
Me?
I've been slipping back and forth between restlessness and complete calm.
Today was, for the most part, a restless day. On these restless days, when I don't feel that wholeness that I know is ever-present, I am stuck in my ego longing for something nameless and external.
On these restless days, I will open my A Course in Miracles book and read a random chapter. I begin to feel a sense of peace sweep over me but I can't seem to hold on to it. My resistance is too strong right now.
On these restless days, I am impatient with my children. I cringe at the tone of my voice that seems to come from a place inside me that craves pain. I waver and attempt to soothe my voice but the irritating energy is something that they sense beyond my words.
On these restless days, I feel like I have ADHD at work, unable to concentrate on one task for very long. I accomplish next to nothing because my mind will wander and I'll get lost in the view from my window.
On these restless days, nothing will satisfy my hunger. I will snack all day long with a craving that cannot be satiated.
On these restless days, I will read old emails from my soldier. Sexy and raw emails that leave my panties moist and warm. I will excuse myself to the restroom and explore my own body.
Sometimes, I will stand in front of the mirror and watch my face as my hands glide over my breasts, pulling them from the bindings of my bra. I will seduce myself with eyes that long to be staring into someone else's and my fingers will dive into the pleasurable places that I know so well.
Other times I will leave the light off and bend over the sink, imagining that I am being taken from behind in a dark room by my strong and powerful man who longs for me without control. I get butterflies in my stomach as I imagine his heavy breathing and moans, the sound of skin-to-skin, the feel of penetration and hands gripping my hips.
I often wonder, afterwards, if anyone knows of my solo ladies room rendezvous. I am certain that they may have heard my attempts to be quiet. Surely they can see the flush of my skin and that my walk is a little weaker. I wonder, as they walk by me, if they catch the scent of sex on me.
On these restless days, I do not feel present and I will rush through the day. I will hurry my children off to bed so that I can be alone with the swirling thoughts in my mind. I will light a candle and stare at it, trying to silence all the noise. I will deepen my breath, listening and trying to find a mantra.
Then I will touch myself again in a vain attempt to ease this longing. I will tease and tantalize my body with phallic shapes made of silicone and an imagination that knows no boundaries. My breath will grow faster, my body will tighten and I will finally feel a release.
Then I will cry uncontrollably, feeling like I am suffocating.
I will drift into sleep, exhausted, spent and hoping that tomorrow, I will feel whole again. Maybe in my dreams, I can go back to that internal comfort that is always there. Maybe tomorrow I won't fight it so much.
I can breathe a little easier because I do know that his feet are on American soil now. His first stop - Kona, Hawaii for the Ironman World Championship Triathlon.
He is not competing this time since he has not been training. He does know a few competitors and will be volunteering. He lived in Hawaii for several years and has many friends there as well. I am thankful for this vacation as he certainly has some decompressing to do before he gets to me.
Me?
I've been slipping back and forth between restlessness and complete calm.
Today was, for the most part, a restless day.
On these restless days, when I don't feel that wholeness that I know is ever-present, I am stuck in my ego longing for something nameless and external.
On these restless days, I will open my A Course in Miracles book and read a random chapter. I begin to feel a sense of peace sweep over me but I can't seem to hold on to it. My resistance is too strong right now.
On these restless days, I am impatient with my children. I cringe at the tone of my voice that seems to come from a place inside me that craves pain. I waver and attempt to soothe my voice but the irritating energy is something that they sense beyond my words.
On these restless days, I feel like I have ADHD at work, unable to concentrate on one task for very long. I accomplish next to nothing because my mind will wander and I'll get lost in the view from my window.
On these restless days, nothing will satisfy my hunger. I will snack all day long with a craving that cannot be satiated.
On these restless days, I will read old emails from my soldier. Sexy and raw emails that leave my panties moist and warm. I will excuse myself to the restroom and explore my own body.
Sometimes, I will stand in front of the mirror and watch my face as my hands glide over my breasts, pulling them from the bindings of my bra. I will seduce myself with eyes that long to be staring into someone else's and my fingers will dive into the pleasurable places that I know so well.
Other times I will leave the light off and bend over the sink, imagining that I am being taken from behind in a dark room by my strong and powerful man who longs for me without control. I get butterflies in my stomach as I imagine his heavy breathing and moans, the sound of skin-to-skin, the feel of penetration and hands gripping my hips.
I often wonder, afterwards, if anyone knows of my solo ladies room rendezvous. I am certain that they may have heard my attempts to be quiet. Surely they can see the flush of my skin and that my walk is a little weaker. I wonder, as they walk by me, if they catch the scent of sex on me.
On these restless days, I do not feel present and I will rush through the day. I will hurry my children off to bed so that I can be alone with the swirling thoughts in my mind. I will light a candle and stare at it, trying to silence all the noise. I will deepen my breath, listening and trying to find a mantra.
Then I will touch myself again in a vain attempt to ease this longing. I will tease and tantalize my body with phallic shapes made of silicone and an imagination that knows no boundaries. My breath will grow faster, my body will tighten and I will finally feel a release.
Then I will cry uncontrollably, feeling like I am suffocating.
I will drift into sleep, exhausted, spent and hoping that tomorrow, I will feel whole again. Maybe in my dreams, I can go back to that internal comfort that is always there. Maybe tomorrow I won't fight it so much.