at this point in my life, i would 98% believe that i am a fearless individual. i am fearless in thought, life, spirituality and i now live a life where my gut instinct rules out a good part of mind’s beliefs and decisions.
with that said, i still have a one fear in my life that just wont fade.
that is the fear of dinosaurs.
for the past 15 or so years, ive had a recurring dream of being in a taxi cab in NYC. a t-rex was wrecking the city while i trembled in the backseat praying that i wouldnt be attacked as there are SO many other cabs that he could rip open for dinner. in my case, the prayers had no effect and i remember thinking to surrender myself to my untimely death as the top half of the yellow taxi was ripped open by the giant thrashing spirit of the t-rex.
the scariest part has been the moment where it comes down to eat me. staring death in the face is one thing, but staring at it in such terror brought it to a whole different light. instead of having a heart attack, cancer or falling off a cliff … i was being eaten alive by a large, fierce animal. what made me so lucky?
for some odd reason, as i died in the dream, i didnt die in my waking reality. instead i was jolted awake into cold sweats and could barely breathe. the dreams got less intense as the years went by and when faced with the familiar death scene . . . i already knew the ending of the story which resulted in less jolts, less sweat and more breath.
however, i was still afraid in my conscious world. i could not watch jurassic park or go on dinosaur rides or even look at certain toys straight on without evoking a primal fear inside of me.
my friends, family and myself had all laughed this fear off. it got to the point where every year my family would get me a t-rex toy for christmas just to point out how silly it was to place so much fear into something that doesn’t exist.
ive always thought it as an irrational fear. and because of that, i never explored the reasoning behind it. looking back, i find this very interesting as im the kind of person who explores the reasons for EVERYTHING. even if the conclusion or answer to a situation is far out … i still want to KNOW.
yesterday at work there was one of hawaii’s famous giant cockroaches in one of the mugs in the sink. i asked suzanne (my employer/spiritual mentor/friend) if she was keeping it around and hiring it to juice. she sensed the fear i had of it as it went down the garbage disposal (t’was already dead, folks).
later that day we were hacking open our large harvest of avocados only to find out that may of them had been infested with these tiny white worms. i jumped every time i found them and jumped even more every time i found them still alive squirming in the delicious fruit that i was now scared to eat.
once we got what we could out of the harvest, suzanne had mentioned that she realized that day that i had a hard time with bugs. when i thought about it, i guess she is right. but the thing is . . its only CERTAIN bugs. i can deal with flies, spiders and ants and a few others. what i realized is that there are some bugs out there that shaken awake the same primal fear that i feel when i think about staring a live t-rex in the face.
when i told her this and about my fear of dinosaurs, a connection was immediately made. what made me happy at first was to FINALLY have someone not discount my fear … even i myself couldnt do that for me. her extensive background in psychology as well as her spiritual gifts had led to a unique reasoning for my fear and it made SO.MUCH.SENSE.
im still afraid of something inside myself.
something i havent been willing to let go.
something that doesnt even exist anymore.
im still pondering this revelation and its throwing me in so many different directions of thought and emotion.
especially that last part … that last little gem REALLY makes me think, as the only scary thing inside me that doesnt exist anymore is my old self …