I haven’t really been open with the blog about the real reason why I gained weight and why “Healthy Living” blogging has seemed so foreign to me.
The truth is that since last fall, I’ve been seriously struggling with binge eating and trying desperately to overcome it. Right now I’m still in the process of recovery, so everything isn’t quite yet right, but I’m not sure if it ever will be. Right now I’m at a place where food doesn’t consume my every thought and emotion, and where I can enjoy other aspects of my life fully without worry. But, the binging thoughts still come. And sometimes I give into them. Thankfully, though, they happen so much less often.
I want to share my stories and my struggles with Binge Eating to help any readers who are also in this struggle, or in other disordered eating struggles. It’s something that is very serious and needs more attention than it does. I got the idea after reading Tina’s posts about her Binge Eating Disorder and, after weeks of nervous thinking, have realized that I’m ready to share my story.
It’s so difficult for me to open up in this way because the only people that actually know are my mom and Richard. But I’m not helping anyone by keeping it to myself, and I’m only harming myself my bottling it up and letting the shame or disappointment control my emotions.
***
I won tickets to attend a short film festival sponsored by Luna Bar in Boston, MA. I went with a date, a man whose name I don’t even remember, as we only saw each other twice and both lost interest by the end of the film festival. I had eaten modestly before we left, so I figured I wouldn’t be hungry until after the film festival ended; we had reservations at a restaurant in the hotel. So, for as much as I can remember, food was not so much as a thought at the beginning of the trip.
The films they played were visceral in the best of ways. I remember one told in first person by an African woman who is suffering from AIDS. It was so artistically beautiful, and the woman really captivated my heart with her liveliness. There was wine passed during the event and I remember having at least one glass. The most important thing to this story, however, were the Luna bars adorning each seat. I think there were seven or eight per package and they even had a few of my favorite flavors, so I was excited to have them as afternoon snacks throughout the week.
But then, after the films were over, my date grabbed a Luna bar and ate it. He asked me if I wanted one and I declined, saying that we would be getting dinner shortly thereafter and that I don’t like to eat between meals. But then, for no reason at all, I ate a Luna bar. After I took the last bite of chocolate peppermint stick, I felt the guilt rise up. I don’t know why, as it was just a small nutrition bar. But the guilt was screaming at me louder than anything else in the room.
I tried to put it behind me so that I could enjoy my dinner. Oysters, scallops, and more wine. The meal was fresher and more succulent than my words can convey.
After dinner we went to an after party, where they served more wine and passed desserts. As soon as I walked in the door, a man brought a tray of miniature desserts to me and I grabbed one. Then I went back for one more. Then another. Next, a glass of wine. And then, a trip to the dessert station. I was feeling the wine quite a bit due to my low alcohol tolerance, so my inhibitions were down just enough to eat as many desserts as possible until the party ended.
I hobbled back to our hotel room and, when my date was resting, took the Luna bars from the event and went into the bathroom. I ate a Luna bar. I ate another even faster than the one before. I tiptoed into the room so that I could stuff the wrappers in my suitcase and go to bed. A few hours later I woke up with an unmistakable desire to eat more. By the morning I had finished five or six of the bars.
This was taken the day after my first binge, in The North End.
The next day, I vowed to never do that again. I thought it was a one time thing and that I could be back on track and perfectly healthy from there on out.
But that night, back at my campus apartment, I found myself crying with cannoli and more nutrition bars filling my stomach.
I haven’t really been open with the blog about the real reason why I gained weight and why “Healthy Living” blogging has seemed so foreign to me.
The truth is that since last fall, I’ve been seriously struggling with binge eating and trying desperately to overcome it. Right now I’m still in the process of recovery, so everything isn’t quite yet right, but I’m not sure if it ever will be. Right now I’m at a place where food doesn’t consume my every thought and emotion, and where I can enjoy other aspects of my life fully without worry. But, the binging thoughts still come. And sometimes I give into them. Thankfully, though, they happen so much less often.
I want to share my stories and my struggles with Binge Eating to help any readers who are also in this struggle, or in other disordered eating struggles. It’s something that is very serious and needs more attention than it does. I got the idea after reading Tina’s posts about her Binge Eating Disorder and, after weeks of nervous thinking, have realized that I’m ready to share my story.
It’s so difficult for me to open up in this way because the only people that actually know are my mom and Richard. But I’m not helping anyone by keeping it to myself, and I’m only harming myself my bottling it up and letting the shame or disappointment control my emotions.
*** I won tickets to attend a short film festival sponsored by Luna Bar in Boston, MA. I went with a date, a man whose name I don’t even remember, as we only saw each other twice and both lost interest by the end of the film festival. I had eaten modestly before we left, so I figured I wouldn’t be hungry until after the film festival ended; we had reservations at a restaurant in the hotel. So, for as much as I can remember, food was not so much as a thought at the beginning of the trip. The films they played were visceral in the best of ways. I remember one told in first person by an African woman who is suffering from AIDS. It was so artistically beautiful, and the woman really captivated my heart with her liveliness. There was wine passed during the event and I remember having at least one glass. The most important thing to this story, however, were the Luna bars adorning each seat. I think there were seven or eight per package and they even had a few of my favorite flavors, so I was excited to have them as afternoon snacks throughout the week. But then, after the films were over, my date grabbed a Luna bar and ate it. He asked me if I wanted one and I declined, saying that we would be getting dinner shortly thereafter and that I don’t like to eat between meals. But then, for no reason at all, I ate a Luna bar. After I took the last bite of chocolate peppermint stick, I felt the guilt rise up. I don’t know why, as it was just a small nutrition bar. But the guilt was screaming at me louder than anything else in the room. I tried to put it behind me so that I could enjoy my dinner. Oysters, scallops, and more wine. The meal was fresher and more succulent than my words can convey. After dinner we went to an after party, where they served more wine and passed desserts. As soon as I walked in the door, a man brought a tray of miniature desserts to me and I grabbed one. Then I went back for one more. Then another. Next, a glass of wine. And then, a trip to the dessert station. I was feeling the wine quite a bit due to my low alcohol tolerance, so my inhibitions were down just enough to eat as many desserts as possible until the party ended. I hobbled back to our hotel room and, when my date was resting, took the Luna bars from the event and went into the bathroom. I ate a Luna bar. I ate another even faster than the one before. I tiptoed into the room so that I could stuff the wrappers in my suitcase and go to bed. A few hours later I woke up with an unmistakable desire to eat more. By the morning I had finished five or six of the bars. The next day, I vowed to never do that again. I thought it was a one time thing and that I could be back on track and perfectly healthy from there on out. But that night, back at my campus apartment, I found myself crying with cannoli and more nutrition bars filling my stomach.