After I had been to see a vulvovaginal specialist for my interesting mix of vulvar dysesthesia, vulvar vestibulitis, pelvic floor syndrome, and interstitial cystitis, I had a complete meltdown. I really thought this doctor would save me from the nightmare and give me my life back. I had suffered an allergic reaction to a yeast cream and had hives all over the vulvar region as well as my upper chest. Even after the hives subsided, I had the most intense itching I had ever experienced. I had always suffered bouts of vulvar itching – even when I was as young as three years old. This itching, however, never left. My specialist prescribed prednisone, hoping to calm what seemed to be an allergic reaction that had turned into vulvar vestibulitis.
Nope. Nothing changed. I completely lost it and became an emotional conglomoration of complete panic, despair, and anger. I imagine my inner self as a big, black swirling cloud during that time.
Prior to my meltdown, I was doing pretty well emotionally because I was fresh from my trip to the specialist and full of new hope. I was sure the treatments would work, and I was feeling so much better mentally that I was able to hear my Inner Healer (see previous post) when she spoke to me. During a physical therapy appointment, my physical therapist mentioned a local woman who taught breathing and relaxation techniques. My physical therapist was treating myself and another woman with vulvodynia at the time, and she was always looking for anything that might help us. She gave me this woman’s card and said, “Why not try it? We’re trying to relax your pelvic floor muscles and here’s a person who specializes in deep breathing and relaxation. It can’t hurt!”
I took the card enthusiastically, looked at it, and KNEW. I just knew I had to make an appointment to see this woman. My Inner Healer was adamant. I was certainly not in tune with my Inner Healer at the time, but that momentary pause in the panic and despair litany in my mind was just enough to let her message come through. For me, that moment was one of those pivotal, life-changing moments I will forever cherish.
Shortly after this appointment, I began the meltdown and spiral into complete and utter hopelessness. The medication was not working, I was reacting badly to another medication, the muscle relaxants left me feeling loopy, and physical therapy hurt even more than I had thought possible. Luckily, I had already made my appointment with the breathing teacher, and I was grasping desperately for any help at this point. I dragged myself to see her.
I cannot even explain the magic of that appointment. Yes, I learned the first few breathing techniques, but I also experienced a magical, soothing calm just from being in Kathleen’s presence. She guided me into a relaxation state, soothed me into deep breathing, and for the first time in so many months, brought me out of panic. My Inner Healer was absolutely right. This was the woman I needed to see. This was the beginning of my journey, the impetus for the surrender into acceptance and the move forward into healing my emotions. I will be forever grateful for every part of that experience and all that I learned from Kathleen as she worked with me over the next several months.
My Inner Healer led me to Kathleen so I could learn to listen to my Inner Healer even more. And, I believe, so I could teach you how to listen to your Inner Healer and find your own path to peace, calm, joy, and health. Your Inner Healer knows what you need.